Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to

make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products

she asked,

"Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"


Looking over her carefully, Luke replied,

"Judging from your skin, twenty;

your hair, eighteen;

and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.


"Hey, wait a minute!"

Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."


hank

the first mate of a ship runs up to the captin and says "captain captain were being attacked on the starbord bow by pirate"

the captain says "run down to the galley grab my red coat and meet me on deck." so the first mate gets the cap'ns coat and they shoot their guns and cannons and beat the pirates.

well a few days later the first mate runs up to the captain and says "capn capn were being attacked on the port side by pirates." the capn said to get his red coat and meet him on deck and they fire their guns and beat the pirates.

well the first mate was wondering about this whole red coat thing and he asked the captain why he had him run down and get his coat every time they were attacked by pirates.

well i wear it so if i get shot you won't see any blood so the men won't worry. and the first mate thought that was sensible.

the next day the first mate runs up to the captain and yells capn capn were being attacked on all sides by pirates!

the captain said go down get my brown pants and meet me on deck

hank
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Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build
muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger (and older) friends and family.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a
bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

hank

Originally posted by DennyW

That's really funny to me. 2 months ago, I couldn't lift my right arm by itself, hahaha. I kept working, and now, I can lift a Miller lite repeadedly.

im glade you said beer, because i thought for sure you was gonna say you couldnt wipe your butt. im glade that wasnt the case.

Originally posted by DennyW
I still can't lift a regular Miller, has to be the lite,

as long as every thing else gets done the beer can waite. i cant drink you cant drink.

Originally posted by DennyW

That's really funny to me. 2 months ago, I couldn't lift my right arm by itself, hahaha. I kept working, and now, I can lift a Miller lite repeadedly.

yeap, Denny, those 12 oz currels work pretty well for us old farts.

10 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman During an Argument

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Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning!

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

hank

When is the "F" word Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:



11. "What the @#$% do you mean

we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912



10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945




9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877




8. "Any @#$%ing idiot

could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938




7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926




6. "How the @#$%

did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC




5. "You want! WHAT

on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566




4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937




3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,

my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC




2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1999



and a drum roll............! ......




1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

you could get hurt.

OK guys, here is my off-color joke contribution for the day...

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator."


Things That Sound Dirty at the Office but Aren't:

I need to whip it out by 5.
Just stick it in my box.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!
HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR
EVERY YEAR, AND EVERYYEAR
MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED ," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT
HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND
MORRIS SAID "ESTHER,
I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT
NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50
DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID," FOLKS
I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LLTAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN
STAY QUIET FOR THEENTIRE
RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD,IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE
PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY
MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS
DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND
SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DIDEVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED" WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING
WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,BUT50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

there was a high school wrestler ready to go to a meet and his coach told him about a guy he would have to wrestle. " your going to be wresting a guy named Bob and whatever you do, don't let him get you in his snake hold, anyone he has ever got it this hold has lost because it is impossible to get out of. "

well when the meet took place the boy won a few rounds and sure enough he had to wrestle Bob next.they started going at it and after about 3 minutes, sure enough Bob got him in the snake hold and he was wound up like a pretzel unable to move. the young man struggled to get out of the tangled mess and all the sudden the boy swung around to the top and pinned Bob down for the win.

immediatly his coach ran up to him and asked " how in he world did you get out of the snake hold, no on has ever got free from that before." The boy replied " well i was all tangled up twisted in a knot and all the sudden i seen two testicles dangling in front of my face, so i stretched a little and bit them as hard as i could,--- and you would not belive the strength you have when you bit yourself in the nuts."

Originally posted by 53 Chevy5
there was a high school wrestler ready to go to a meet and his coach told him about a guy he would have to wrestle. " your going to be wresting a guy named Bob and whatever you do, don't let him get you in his snake hold, anyone he has ever got it this hold has lost because it is impossible to get out of. "

well when the meet took place the boy won a few rounds and sure enough he had to wrestle Bob next.they started going at it and after about 3 minutes, sure enough Bob got him in the snake hold and he was wound up like a pretzel unable to move. the young man struggled to get out of the tangled mess and all the sudden the boy swung around to the top and pinned Bob down for the win.

immediatly his coach ran up to him and asked " how in he world did you get out of the snake hold, no on has ever got free from that before." The boy replied " well i was all tangled up twisted in a knot and all the sudden i seen two testicles dangling in front of my face, so i stretched a little and bit them as hard as i could,--- and you would not belive the strength you have when you bit yourself in the nuts."

BAPTIST COWGIRL
>
>
> A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks
> into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in
> the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one
> in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the
> bar and orders three more.
>
> The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You
> know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste
> better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl
> replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
> Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left
> our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this
> way to remember the days when we drank together. So
> I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and
> one for myself."
>
> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and
> leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the
> bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three
> mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in
> and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
> and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for
> the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to
> intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
> condolences on your loss."
>
> The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a
> light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no,
> everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that
> my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had
> to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Texas Preacher

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country
music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been
to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she
answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer
with you."

So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway
Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street.
She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around
her and opened the door.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the
towel to fall to the floor.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said................................


"Hello, Darlin!!"