Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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One day Boudreaux and Pierre were talking about their hunting dogs and Boudreaux said
"I'm gonna have to get rid of all my hunting dogs 'cause I can't afford to feed them"
Pierre replied "heck, I just feed mine collard greens"
Boudreaux replied "my dogs won't eat collard greens !"
then Pierre said "mine wouldn't either for about 4 weeks!"

21 Rules That Men Have..
1. Men are not mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat, you’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down.
3. Crying is blackmail
4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one; subtle hints do not work – strong hints do not work – obvious hints do not work – just say it.
5. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials.
12. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
13. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And we have no idea what mauve is.
14. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing” we act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is not worth the hassle.
15. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
16. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.
17. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
18. You have enough clothes.
19. You have too many shoes.
20. I’m in shape, round is a shape.
21. Thank you for reading this and yes, I know I’m sleeping on the couch tonight. But did you know men don’t really mind that? It’s like camping.

Get the Kleenex as you'll be laughing so hard you will cry!!

SEXY GIRL FART PRANK - YouTube

Has Power Windows.

powerwindows.jpg

Red green already did this!

We had a power cut at home this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn predictive text, sorry I meant "tapping your wifi", not "tapping your wife".

olde but goodie

A man on a flight is seated next to another man who has a dog with him. Interested to know why the dog is allowed in the passenger area of the plane, the guy asks “what’s the score”?

“I’m airline security” says the guy “and my dog is a sniffer dog to detect anything illegal onboard.”

“Let me show you” he says and sends the dog off down the rows of seats. About 10 rows down the dog stops next to a guy, sits down and offers him his right paw. The guy takes it, pats the dog and the dog returns to its owner and sits beside him.

“You see that” says the owner? “That means that guy is carrying cocaine.”

“Wow” says the guy “that’s amazing.”

Again the owner sends the dog down amongst the passengers and after about 20 rows the dog stops next to a woman and offers her its left paw. The woman takes the dogs paw and pats it on the head. The dog returns back to its owner and sits down.

“You see that” says the owner? “That means that woman is carrying heroin.”

“Wow” says the guy “that’s amazing, I’m so impressed.”

Again the owner sends the dog down amongst the passengers and after about 30 rows the dog stops next to a man and barks twice. The dog returns back to its owner and squats down and does a massive sh#t.

“Wow” says the guy, I didn’t expect that. What does that mean?“

The dog owner solemnly replies “I think he’s found a bomb!”
__________________

The Blonde Cop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too..."

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He
asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:

"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was
truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table
and said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you
felt embarrassed, right> The guy then responded in a loud voice:

"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH! YOU’RE NOT WORTH IT!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given a brochure by the hotel. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed......

Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

Which reminds me of a lovely restaurant in France where the menu stated
"We would be pleased for you to enjoy our tarts on the trolley"
Where else?

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato bags.

Then try 50-lb. potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

How men and women record things in their diaries......

------ Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep;
I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

-----Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt!

A Maori bloke goes down to the Melbourne wharf looking for work and comes up to the captain of a fishing boat and says,'Hey Capt'n got any work for Me?'

The captain gives him a 28 page job application and says 'Fill this out and bring it back to me'. So two days later the Maori brings it back and gives it to the Captain.

The captain takes a quick look at it and says 'OK, you're hired,now go on board and find something to do..'
Just then, this Sudanese guy comes up to the captain and says, 'Looka work, needa work.'

The captain tells him 'OK you're hired.' The Maori is standing right there and asks the captain 'Hey, you made me fill out a 28 page job application and you just hired this guy like that, Why?"

Captain replies 'He's got an honest face'.

The Maori sighs and walks onto the boat, all upset. A few days later, they're out to sea and the Maori is up in the crow's nest looking for reefs and the Sudanese guy is down on the deck mopping the deck. Just then, this huge wave comes along and washes the Sudanese guy overboard.

The Maori gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the Captain's' office and says:
"Remember that Sudanese guy you hired with the honest face?

Well, he just fucked off with your mop!"