Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by RestoRod

An Indian, a Muslim and an Australian were walking together on a Queensland beach when the Indian stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and........ a Genie appeared!

"I can only grant 3 wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are 3 of
you, you may have one wish apiece"

Pointing at the Indian, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back to our homeland!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."

Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said, "Look, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better
than this!"

HELP,,somebody,,,help me find that genie.. hahahaaa

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.



The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.


The son says, Okay, Okay. I was at a friend's house watching movies.

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”
Son says, Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, Okay, Okay, we were watching porn

Dad says, What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was. The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son”. The robot slaps the mother.


The robot is now for sale.

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... ‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'...... 'Sure will '


The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.




'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much...




.

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.


These are her own words.:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends.

.

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.



For $100 tip, in addition to the cab fare from the Toronto airport, the cabbie agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom.



The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!



The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.


HE paid for the Corvette I gave you!
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible!
HE paid for your Maple Leafs season tickets!
HE paid for your Argo season tickets!
HE paid for our cottage in the Muskoka’s!
HE paid for our speed boat!
HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!!!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.



He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies,



'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold… and give him back the Leafs tickets!'

A man calls home to give the wife some bad news.

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital."

"They've checked me over and have done some tests and some x-rays."

"The blow to my head was pretty severe; fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife’s Response:

"Who the hell is Paula?

Ear Infection

This is so true!They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING!

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance

I had a guy come to the front door yesterday,,asking if we could make a contribution to the Pakistani floods..I told him,,''Sorry,,my hose only goes to the end of the driveway''

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.


The curator of the gallery realized that they were having troubleinterpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?’, asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'


.

I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. " We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

seat-belt-funny-joke-picture.jpgfunny-help-joke-picture.jpg

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."

A Really Bad Day...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and
yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to
the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.

A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And
what was YOUR day like?"

The guy says, " OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator... "

Can I have an AMEN ?