Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by firebird77clone

I want a T shirt with #t5 on the front, and #10 on the back

Huh?? That one's gonna take some explanation for me...

HISTORY LESSON FOR TODAY.
163 YEARS AGO THIS FALL...

California became a state

The people had no electricity.

The state had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except
then the women had real boobs and the
men didn't hold hands.

That, my friends, is the history lesson for today.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group.


"You can't come in here without a Thai."

Originally Posted by MelloYello

......."You can't come in here without a Thai."

Grooooooooaaaaaaannnnnn!!

Originally Posted by rspears

Grooooooooaaaaaaannnnnn!!

hahahaha I know, a waste of cut and paste, eh?

Human Geography


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like North Korea , ruled by a pair of nuts.

An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he
asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best,
and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."

A college class was asked to write a short story using as few words as possible.
The instructions were that the story had to include the following three themes:

1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery
   
   The following is the only A+ short story in the entire class.
   
   
   “Good God I’m pregnant; I wonder who did it?"

.

Today's Lesson On Irony

These three statements tell you a lot about government and culture:


1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics,
but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works.

And another statement for consideration--

2. We constantly hear about how Canadian Pension Plan (CPP) is going to run out of money.
How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
What's interesting is, the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.

Finally ..

3. Provincial Social Services is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free money ever .
Meanwhile, the Parks Branch, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
The stated reason for this policy is because....
"The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

That ends Today's Lesson On Irony

Originally Posted by RestoRod

Today's Lesson On Irony

These three statements tell you a lot about government and culture:


1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics,
but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works.

And another statement for consideration--

2. We constantly hear about how Canadian Pension Plan (CPP) is going to run out of money.
How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
What's interesting is, the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.

Finally ..

3. Provincial Social Services is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free money ever .
Meanwhile, the Parks Branch, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
The stated reason for this policy is because....
"The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

That ends Today's Lesson On Irony

Resto,,you have nailed it.. in all three counts..but with the same group...

An Engineer finds a note that his wife left him that morning.
"The Shepherd's Pie needs to be taken out of the Frig and put in the Oven at 140 degrees."

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a Cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.



My wife walked into the den and asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.



And that's how the fight started.



I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started.



My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I
then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started.



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.

We had a power outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat down and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

How to open a Beer with a Banana !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FU-s9uEakAc

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....






NO, The duck didn't say THAT !


... Don't be SO disgusting!



The duck said....


'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!