Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.


He kept accurate records, and sadly any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.


Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.


Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.


Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but
this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City
Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell
Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .....We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'



'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times..'

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (glad I don't live in Indonesia)

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and defloweryoung virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mothermust be in the room to witness the act

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?)

Well,.... Not as great as Guam

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet . .

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their arse.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam

Originally Posted by Kiwidreamer

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs........

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

And this from a KIWI!! Bad news sure travels, doesn't it?

Originally Posted by rspears

And this from a KIWI!! Bad news sure travels, doesn't it?

It's the same thing in every country, all look out for number one.

INTERESTING OBSERVATION ......


1) The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.

2) The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL.

3) The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY.

4) The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.

5) The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6) The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in the Government playing.....marbles!!!

Humor from the Brits.



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

+++

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

+++

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

+++

IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

+++

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

+++

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

+++

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. Prophets are going through the roof!!

+++

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

+++

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

+++

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

+++

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?
'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

"Hilarious" IMHO

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154636606720713

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?

A friend of mine was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when his stomach started rumbling and he realized that he desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get
relief and reduce embarrassment, he timed his farts to the beat of the
music.
After a couple of songs he started to feel much better. He finished
his coffee and noticed everyone was staring at him.
That's when he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPod.


This is what happens when old people start using technology.





.

Once there was a young man who had decided that he wanted to become a monk, he walked up the mountain and knocked on the massive door, and when the head Monk answered, he told him why he'd come. The head monk told him it took 20 years but he still wanted to do it, so after some rituals, the head monk told him, You have to take a vow of silence for 5 years, then when you come to me you can say 2 words Only. Well at the end of 5 years the young man came down and said, "FOOD COLD" !
The monk told him to go away and do not speak for another 5 years, so he left, Finally after the second 5 years he was allowed to say 2 more words,,, he said "BED HARD"! The monk explained that they All sleep on the same kind of bed and sent him away for a 3rd 5 years with no talking, the young man thought he's Never get through the next 5 years but he made it, and upon meeting with the Monk, his 2 words were "I QUIT"! to which the Monk replied,,,,,, "Well I'm Not surprised, You ain't done nothing but Bitch since you Got here" !!!!!!
_________

Since nearly everyone has an interest in education I thought this may explain the changes in teaching from the middle of last century through to the middle of this.



1. Teaching Maths In 1950s

A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What
is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1970s


A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or
$80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1980s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No


4. Teaching Maths In 1990s


A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is
$20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2000s


A logger cuts down a
beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this
way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after
answering the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers, and if you feel
like crying, it's ok).


6. Teaching Maths In 2050


هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب 100 دولار . تكلفة الإنتاج هو 80 دولاراً . كيف الكثير من المال ولم؟

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my Secretary?"

"Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."

"Good, then you fire her!!!"

.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
"Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink, the bartender says. "In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says
"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you." and orders a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
"Sonny," the old woman replies, "when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor. "Holding your water however, is a whole other issue "

Differences Between You And Your Boss

If you take a long time, you're slow.
BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

If you don't do it, you're lazy.
BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

If you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's "only human".

If you're on a day off sick, you're "always" sick.
BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

If you please your boss, you're a boot-licker.
BUT if your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.

If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

If you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's away for important meetings.

If you ask to leave early, you must be going for an interview.
BUT if your boss takes the afternoon off, it's because he's overworked.

No Explanation needed

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