Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. But, Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes".

"The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me.

If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.

Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared.

Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table.

The Jew said, "I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that hill.

Could you not find it?"

"I found it," rasped the Arab.

"But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

One day, while trying to escape from the American Forces, through Pakistan, Osama found a bottle on the beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a beautiful female Genie arose out of the mouth of the bottle, and with a dazzling smile, said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything". barked Bin Laden.
The shocked Genie said"Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought for a moment, then grumbling about the impertinence of the woman, he finally said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed with me in the morning, so just do it, and be off with you"!
The annoyed Genie said "So be it" and disappeared.
The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken and he had no health insurance!
God is so good!

A blind man enters a "Ladies" Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro
Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little $hit. If
you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor, someone said, "Oh $hit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a farm boy wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered farm boy. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the farm boy replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"

Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.

They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the farm boy walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.

The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.
The rich man decided to toy with the farm boy and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.

suddenly, the pinto went roaring by. "Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the farm boy a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.

To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again! "FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.

The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.
Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the farm boy backed up next to his car.

"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.
The farm boy climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

Duane-not all is at it appears. eh?


A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
>
> He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like
> car so she could zip through traffic around town.
>
> He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck. Everything she
> seemed to like was way out of their price range.
>
> "Look!" She said. "I want something that goes from 0 to
> 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My
> birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
>
> He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
>
> Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Been a while since i posted, so heres one for you. Streets sent it to me.

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
>party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited
>Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the
>pool in the backyard of his mansion.
>
>Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
>oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
>
>At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft
>man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
>has the nerve to jump in."
>
>The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
>and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
>
>Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
>jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head
>butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
>through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
>
>The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
>the gator were screaming and raising hell.
>
>Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like
>a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
>
>Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
>
>Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
>dollars."
>
>"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
>
>The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
>bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
>
>"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
>
>The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That
>was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
>
>Again Leroy said no.
>
>Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you
>want?"
>
>Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the
>pool."

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading.
>
Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache!"
>
Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
>
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Sam comes out of the woods after six months, and walks into a small bar in the isolated town. "any women in this town?" he asks the barkeep.
"No, but there's Joe," the guy says.
"Sorry, I'm not that way."says Sam, and goes back to the woods.
Six months later, he comes out to the same town. "Any women in town yet?"
"No, but there's still Joe," says the barman.
Sam says, "If I go with this Joe guy, how many people have to know about it?"
Barkeep rubs his chin thoughtfully. "Five," he says.
"Five! How come so many?" says Sam.
"Well, there's you, and there's me, and of course there's Joe. And there's the two guys who hold Joe, 'cause he ain't that way either!"

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",

"No, not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw Daddy and Aunt
Diana in a passionate embrace.Little


Johnny found this so exciting that he could barely contain himself as he
ran home and started to tell his mother.

Mommy," Little Johnny exclaimed, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Diana. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Diana a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Diana helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Diana...

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
INTERESTING story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell him tonight.
At the dinner table, Mommy asked Little Johnny to tell Daddy his story.
Mommy listened closely as Little Johnny started telling his story about
how "he saw the car go into the woods...., then watched Aunt Diana get
undressed..., and then Aunt Diana laid down on the back seat...and then
Aunt Diana and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle
Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!!!"


Moral: Listen to the whole story before you interrupt someone

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father.

"The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh , very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer f****n' candle."

A man and wife go to bed -

He decides to read a bit before he goes to sleep so he has his book and the light on, on his side of the bed -

She is pretty tired so just lays down and closes her eyes..

A few minutes later she feels her husband's hand rubbing between her thighs and working his hand to her vagina =

He massages her with his fingers and she thinks, maybe if I don't move he will think I'm asleep and won't want to pursue the matter any further

She lies still and after a few seconds He stops and removes his hand

Just as she starts to doze off her husband's hand is back rubbing her again

She doesn't move a muscle and he removes his hand again

Again, she starts to doze off and sure enough the sme thing happens again and she finally figures she won't get any sleep until he gets his way

She gets up out of bed and starts to take her nightgown off and her husband asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies. "If your going to keep doing that we might as well have sex and get it over with"

The husband looks at her and says "I don't want sex, I'm just wetting my fingers so I can turn the pages".....