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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2701
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    Cheers !!

    Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
    Babe Ruth

  2. #2702
    robot's Avatar
    robot is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 39 Ford Coupe, 32 Ford Roadster
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    My previous wife and I bought a water bed.....but we soon drifted apart
    lamin8r likes this.

  3. #2703
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    I heard a good quote yesterday about bad luck
    " If I fell in a swimming pool full of titties I'd come up sucking my own thumb"

    cracked me up

  4. #2704
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 65 Mustang
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    Colin.jpg
    !!!!!!!!!!!
    Kiwidreamer likes this.

  5. #2705
    stovens's Avatar
    stovens is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 48 Ford F1
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    Now that's one of the best one's I've heard in a long time.
    Thanks for the chuckle!
    Mudduck3 likes this.
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  6. #2706
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: Sans hot rod, sold the truck.
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    Thanks, Mudduck, that is definitely a laugh maker. I often say that it takes a good bit to make me laugh, and that one did it.

    .
    Mudduck3 likes this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  7. #2707
    pepi's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 34,stroker,32pu,2020 MustangGTpp2
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    Police Harassment



    Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum
    with the local community (a question
    and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing." One of
    the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question:
    "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually
    harass people and get away with it?"

    From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a
    cop with a sense of humor replied:

    "First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista,
    we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops
    are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we
    do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments
    that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any
    given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and
    available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So
    roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.

    When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that
    attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where
    a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

    Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives
    a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a
    second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is
    not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge
    day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some
    tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically
    harass.

    The tools available to us are as follow:

    PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to
    focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his
    wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give
    somebody some special harassment.

    Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The
    harassment team is then put into action.

    CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They
    like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no
    driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them
    out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
    Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they
    have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant
    on file.

    RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police
    officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a
    beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass
    them for hours to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

    STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better
    to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to
    harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor
    Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which
    you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can
    just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of
    these listed offenses and harass them.

    Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this
    book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission
    to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and
    it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks
    to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens
    who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they
    pay us to "harass" some people.

    Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave."
    That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me."
    It's one of our favorites. Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a
    little bit better how we harass the good citizens of Chula Vista.
    34_40 and stovens like this.
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

  8. #2708
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    34_40, lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  9. #2709
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
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    A 1st grade teacher was readiing the
    story of the Three Little Pigs to her
    class. She came to the part of the
    story where first pig was trying to
    gather the building materials for
    his home.
    She read. 'And so the pig went up to
    the man with the wheelbarrow full
    of straw and said:
    'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
    that straw to build my house?'
    The teacher paused then asked the
    class: 'And what do you think the man
    said?'
    One little boy raised his hand and
    said very matter-of-factly, "I think
    the man would have said, 'I'll be a
    son of a bitch!! A talking pig!"

    The teacher had to quietly leave the room.
    34_40, lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  10. #2710
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
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    There were protesters outside my local grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America and our involvement in the Middle East.

    I politely declined to take one.

    There was an elderly lady and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

    The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a soft voice, “Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”

    The old woman looked up at her and said: “Honey, my father died in France in World War II, I lost my husband in Korea and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.”
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  11. #2711
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
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    I could have pushed the 'like' button twice for that!
    Rrumbler, 34_40, stovens and 4 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  12. #2712
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A guy, who was not feeling well, went to the hospital to have tests run.

    Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.

    Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......

    The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."

    The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?

    The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."

    "Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"

    The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself. Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."

    The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza? Will that help cure me?"

    "Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can slip under the damn door...."
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  13. #2713
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
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    A man received the following text from his neighbor:

    "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
    I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're
    not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you.

    I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.

    I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again."

    The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went directly into his
    bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.

    A few moments later, a second text came in, "Bloody Spell Check!!

    Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to "your Wifi'."


    .
    lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  14. #2714
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    Not so Professional Sports ?

    1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:"I wan' all dem kids to do
    what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me.”

    2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to
    rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

    3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

    4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

    5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

    6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

    7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:"You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

    8. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

    9. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'".

    10. Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

    11. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
    40FordDeluxe and Mudduck3 like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  15. #2715
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    An oldie but goodie!

    THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion..

    If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
    paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.

    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

    They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

    I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?

    Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?

    He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

    Stupid, stupid man.

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