Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem .

While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home
for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."


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An airline pilot is walking through an airport when he is approached by a young lady.

"Hello, I'm conducting a survey about the sexual habits of the nation. Would you mind telling me when you last had sex?"

"It was 1958" he replies

"Umm, if you don't mind me saying so, that seems quite a long time ago."

"Not really" says the pilot "its only 20:42 now."

While strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist who slipped from the quayside and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.
It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

The Tooth Brush Salesman

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Mike's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Mike walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Mike.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Mike, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the Government method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Mike got an A+ for his assignment. Bless his heart.

A man liying in the recovery room calls the nurse over and through his oxengen mask says to the nurse,
Would you please check and see if my testicles are black
the nurse replied, Im sorry sir I can't do that
The man again said, please, it will only take a second, check and see if my testicles are black
The nurse presisted, sir, that is something the doctor will have to do
The man pressed on, I'm begging you, will you PLEASE check to see if my testicles are black
Reluctantly, the nurse lifted the sheet, took the mans testicles in her hand, inspected them closely and pulled the sheet closed
The man props himself up, removes his oxengen mask and says to the nurse
Well thank you for that, but please listen carefully
Will you please check to see if MY TEST RESULTS ARE BACK

and she responded
"nuts to you"

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?" Raising his voice, he continues, "Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk quietly replies, "Um, because this is Home Depot."

Since we're going ethnic, here's an Irish Text Message:

Paddy texts his wife:
"Mary, I am just having one more pint with the lads. If I am not home in 20 minutes, read this message again."

News you can trust

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Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven.
>
> The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
> "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
>
> She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
> Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
> I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
> I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB
> clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
>
> I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.
> He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
> On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
> It hit the man and killed him.
>
> At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
> Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
>
> The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
> "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.
> I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
> I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
> I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
> I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
> Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
>
> Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
> He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
>
> I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....

Subject: Pilot in Distress


THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO SAY !!!!!!



This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantically calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me! PLEASE HELP ME!”

She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control, retired Marine fighter pilot, and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you safely back on the ground. I have a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!”

“Now give me your height and position.”

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama.”

"O.K." says the voice on the radio...."Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in heaven.”

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