Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred."

A professor stood before his philosophy class, picked up a large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
So, the professor picked up a small box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.” The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the spaces between the sand. The students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things. Your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions – things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full”
“The pebbles are things that matter, like your job, your house and car. The sand is everything else.....the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first”, he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.”
“If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Talk to your family. Take time to get a medical check-up. Take your closest friend out for dinner. Go for a walk.”
“There will always be time to clean the house, take out the rubbish and watch TV. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and enquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled, “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers!!!”

One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides

and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum

of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into

ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,

the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into

something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor

made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing

but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've

been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Golf Course ?"

A CEO and his lawyer were having lunch.

The Lawyer says to the CEO, "I have some good news and some bad news".

The CEO says, "Okay, been a shit of a day so I'll have the good news first".

The lawyer says "Today, your wife invested in two pictures for $5,000. She reckons they're worth about 20 million".

CEO says "WOW! that's fantastic! but what's the bad news?

Lawyer "The pictures are of you and your secretary having sex".

************** Theirs VVVV *****************************Ours VVVV

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat, agreed to look after her
neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs
mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise
of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to
withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

Works for me

I think several of us here can relate....

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One British Royal Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Royal Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Royal Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of the bastards.""

Wasn't a British Royal Marine, but does anyone want to volunteer to go over there with me to kill off some of them???
My qualifications are-----can ride/drive mules, horses, motorcycle, jeep,truck, higher speed vehicles, dozens of different type aircraft, can navigate to any spot in the world, can do maintenance on any vehicle that has wheels, wings or boat, learned the metric system by finding out that 7.62 mm was same as 30 caliber,-etc


My primary A plan would be to take a bunch of old guys with some old bombers full of old bombs and fly east to Straits of Gibralter and then spread out and bomb off north Africa from the Mediterian south to the eguator and east Himilayas effectively widening the Suez canal --------


ISIS???? I don't know

Count me in Jerry - Think I'll bring a sawed off Remmington 1100 with a 30 round drum magazine - for the close up work!!

Originally Posted by jerry clayton

Wasn't a British Royal Marine, but does anyone want to volunteer to go over there with me to kill off some of them???
My qualifications are-----can ride/drive mules, horses, motorcycle, jeep,truck, higher speed vehicles, dozens of different type aircraft, can navigate to any spot in the world, can do maintenance on any vehicle that has wheels, wings or boat, learned the metric system by finding out that 7.62 mm was same as 30 caliber,-etc


My primary A plan would be to take a bunch of old guys with some old bombers full of old bombs and fly east to Straits of Gibralter and then spread out and bomb off north Africa from the Mediterian south to the eguator and east Himilayas effectively widening the Suez canal --------
ISIS???? I don't know

I want to be a side gunner with a 50 cal.......

.

somebody supply the beer and we got it covered