Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by glennsexton

Count me in Jerry - Think I'll bring a sawed off Remmington 1100 with a 30 round drum magazine - for the close up work!!

Well,,from what I saw on Spacebook today,,an ISIS guy was showing a bunch of others how to rig a bomb belt,or some such piece of gear,,and it went off,killing 21 of them..Wait long enough,,and they will get rid of themselves.. haha,,can just hear him....'' Now,watch closely,,I will only show you once''.....

The way it is.

Shame the Joke Page..... has come to this. just my opinion of course.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Thanks glennsexton! An oldie but a goodie! My wife never really appreciated the humor in that one! LOL..

Originally Posted by 34_40

Thanks glennsexton! An oldie but a goodie! My wife never really appreciated the humor in that one! LOL..

Then she'll love this one:

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

I think this same joke is back on page 3 or 4 of this very thread..

In any event it always brings a smile.. so thanks for that!

A fact you won't soon forget...
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Car,Car", not a single one could shout "Truck."

A man walks into a bar.
The man hasn't been in this bar in years.
The same old bartender is walks over and says "I heard you were dead."
The customer says "I'm here aren't I. I am not dead."
The bartender replies "Yes but the fellow that told me you were dead is much more reliable.

.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

THESE ARE "ACTUAL" QUOTES TAKEN FROM AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.

1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and
has started to dig."

2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."

4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."

5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12) "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.."

14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15) "He's been working with glue too much."

16) "He would argue with a signpost."

17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection.."

22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."

23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."

24) "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29) "One neuron short of a synapse."

30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."

.

Good One RR! I'm going to print this and use it at next years appraisals.... roflmao

Woman Sends Email Complaining to Tech Support.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.





Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: I thought you loved me.html, download Tears 6.2 and be sure to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, please remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-in-Law 1.0 (It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

Tech Support.

I went out last night,and saw a Muslim tribute band,called Bomb Jovi...They brought the house down..Their favorite song was ''Living on a Prayer mat'' I had the opportunity to talk to them after the show..Of course,,they were right into the Koran,,in fact the lead guy had it all on CD.. I asked him if he could burn me a copy.. That's when the trouble started... No sense of humor,those guys..

Unbeknownst to many of us, women often suffer from mid-life crises and need to put a little pizazz into the mix. One such woman informed her husband that she wanted to buy a new red sports car to which he replied, “I don’t think that’s a good idea honey. As fast as you drive and all I be worried that the brakes wouldn’t be up to the task of stopping you properly.”

“Well”, she replied, “I’ll just have to make sure I buy a car that has really good brakes!”

So off she went to the car dealers and sure enough, a beautiful bright red ZL1 caught her eye. The dealer approached her - extolling the low miles and excellent condition the roadster and asked if he could help her.

“I really like this car. Is it fast?” she asked.

“You bet it is. Zero to sixty under four seconds and a standing quarter mile in the elevens!” boasted the dealer.

“How are the brakes? Does it have good brakes?” she asked.

“The best!” exclaimed the dealer. “Hop in and I’ll show you.”

They hopped in the car with the dealer behind the wheel. He was jabbering away and from the big smile on the woman’s face, could tell the sale was nearly in the bag.

“I have to be convinced that the brakes are really good.” Emphasized the prospective owner – to which the dealer responded by turning into a dead end street and flooring the car. As the ZL1 accelerated to 60 miles per hour, they came in sight of a concrete barricade announcing the end of the street and the dealer pushed the brake pedal down – tires barely screeching and smoke wisps appearing as they stopped twenty feet away from the end of the street.

“Smell that?” asked the dealer, “that’s burning rubber and it means all four of the tires locked up good and tight which proves the brakes are really good!”

Well that sealed the deal and as her husband came home, the bright red bomb was in the driveway. He walked around the can and had to admit it was beautiful. He was admiring the low miles and new tires when his wife bounded out of the house overjoyed with her find.

“Well what do you think?” she gushed. Low miles and a real find don’t you think?”

“It sure looks good – but how are the brakes? I need to be convinced that it has really good brakes!”

As if on cue, she replied, “Well hop in and I’ll show you!”

Jabbering away, she soon found the same dead end street that the dealer had used in his demonstration and wanting to really convince her husband that she made the right choice and that the car had excellent brakes, she nailed the pedal and the ZL1 instantly leapt to the century mark. Her husband’s eyes became the size of pie plates as the concrete barrier approached. Too scared to scream he covered his head as his wife mashed the brakes on, sliding the car sideways, tires screaming as if in shear agony and stopping scant inches from certain death with clouds acrid of smoke engulfing the car.”

She was so very excited having demonstrated not only the braking capacity of the car but her expertise in driving as she asked, “Smell that?” to which her husband replied, “Smell it? I’M SITTING IN IT!!”