Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."

"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.

The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.

"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.

Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.

He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.

The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "you can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

bread-gloves.jpg
When you just don't have the time to make your lunch!!

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a huge 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing “Go Sarah” shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right between the Bear's eyes. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied, "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting.

By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is of the infidel. The cabbie politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing?” To which the cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so bugger off and flag down a camel!”

CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL


This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life..

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted!

Better than being a proctologist.

Jack.

Did my Laundry today

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet, please advise."

Upsetting Statistics:



To all my male friends! Are you sure of your ethnic origin?

Statistics released from The United Nations reveal that:
Australian, Canadian, New Zealand, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age,
will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas
Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice
per year.

This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea
they were Japanese.

Understanding English hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city
on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a
quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...
no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby,
who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of
gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really
decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Exercise for People Over 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10-lb potato bag.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Another potato joke,

This rather handsome man is cruising up and down the beach on the French Riviera looking for some action with no results. During his passes he sees a ugly, scroungy, skinny man surrounded by a bevy of beautiful young ladies. Finally he sees the old fellow walking his way so he stops him and says, I've been cruising this beach for an hour and can't get a single girl. I see the girls all over you, what is your secret? The old man says, go to the store, get a big potato and drop it in your trunks. The handsome man thanks him and does just that. An hour or so later the old guy sees the handsome man alone and looking depressed so he asks him, how did you do? Terrible he replies, I did what you said, I've been walking this beach for an hour and the girls seem to shy away from me. The old guy says let me have a look. Oh my garsh says the old guy, you are supposed to put it in the front.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

An elderly Father is visiting his Son in prison and tells him that he's just not in good enuff shape to cultivate the garden and plant potatoes this year.

His son tells him not to bother that garden area because that's where he buried all those guns.

Having monitored the conversation, the next day the Law shows up and digs and digs the entire garden area but they find nothing.

The father goes back and tells his son that the Law dug up his garden but didn't find any guns.

His Son says, "I know Dad, now go ahead and plant your taters, that's the best I could do from here!"