Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by rspears

Nah, it wasn't a little Irishman, it was Jared; and it wasn't an elevator, it was the cell block.....

Can only hope what he did comes back to him 10 fold.

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Men are deep thinkers:

A gentleman mowed his lawn today, and after doing so he sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
His wife walked by and asked him what he was doing and he said 'nothing'.

The reason he said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point he would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally he thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, he come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for his conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think It would nice to have another kick in the nuts."

Time for another beer.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.


The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $50 in the box and go and sin no more."


A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $50 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $50.”

Ok, KiwiDreamer, you get a trophy for that one; you did the almost impossible, you made me laugh 'til I couldn't get my breath. I am not much of a laugher; the best most folks get from me is a smirk or a humph; that one had me hee-hawing.

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TOUGH SITUATION:

A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington, to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.


I don't know what's worse:


1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis....OR...
3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


Tough call. You decide.

Some of you may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky
Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Young man, and
others. But some of us miss their kind of humour. Not a single swear
word in their routines, and you don't have to be Jewish to enjoy their
jokes.

*A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asks, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

*I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

*I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds
out, she'll kill me!

*Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

*We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

*My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls
it the Dead Sea.

*My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

*My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

*The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

*The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back."Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

*Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

*A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,
how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

*Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

*A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking."
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason is Won Ton
spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In
Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from law school.

*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too
good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She replied, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in
case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two
choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."

*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his
birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says,
"What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.

*Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

*Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

The golfer..........
A man goes to a public golf course in America.
He approaches the attendant behind the counter in the pro shop and says,"I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The attendant behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem.
All of our caddies are out on the course, We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the golfer and said, "No sir Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. And this was the way the rest of the game went -The robot's suggestions were always correct and the golfers entire game was the best game he had ever played.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the attendant behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The attendant behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!
The attendant sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The attendant nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of them didn't show up for work, two of them applied for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop and the other one thinks he's the US President!

MY NEW UROLOGIST - TOUGH GETTING OLD

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"

He says "No, why the fuck you ask me that?

Is it because I'm Chinese?"


"No", I said,

"It's because you're drinking my beer."

A man is stuck in traffic on the Hume Highway at Bass Hill.
He asked a Police officer about the delay, as he is walking from car to car, speaking with each of the drivers.
The Policeman says, “There are three Muslims blocking the traffic and threatening to douse themselves with petrol and set themselves on fire if we don’t get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we’re taking up a collection for them.”
The Man replies “How much have you got so far?”
The Policemen responds, “About 60 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning”

I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a “Islamic Book
Store.” I was wondering what exactly was in an Islamic bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientèle, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald
Trump’s book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?”

The clerk said, “F*** off, get out and stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one! Do you have it in paperback?”

Stu Tarlowe

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs after a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly. No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again & again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Seniors' Tax Return

I just received my tax return for 2014 back from the Revenue Canada. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the line : "List all dependents" ...

I replied: 2 million Native Indians; 1 million crack heads; 7.3 million unemployed people; 100,000 people in prisons; Half of Haiti; 105 Senators and 308 Members of Parliament.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF,










WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

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