Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Golf Panties....

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'



She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

Engineer joke-------
What do you get if you divide the diameter of a pumpkin by 3.1416???

Pumpkin Pi!!!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by jerry clayton

Engineer joke-------
What do you get if you divide the diameter of a pumpkin by 3.1416???

Pumpkin Pi!!!!!!!!!!!

Boo-Hiss!!!

.

They weren't in my pockets!

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me?"

He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"

More senior humor.



AGING HUMOR


It’s hell to be in your seventies….older people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!
Consider this: A 75-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open!”

Got this from my daughter, somehow she thought I might see the connection.
Jack.

A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Get away from me you sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

Aussie cricketer:

An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?”
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me into there;”

“He removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

I wonder if that cured her from wanting to jump.

Jack.

A Retired Person's Perspective

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just
saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very cross.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they
drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day....because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it "the Jim". I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for
murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Politicians should have two terms - one in office and the other in prison


Just remember Einstein's comment:

"There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity;
intelligence has its limits."

Warning about eBay



Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $295 on a penis enlarger‎

The bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions were "Do not use in direct sunlight"

I just received from the New Zealand Inland Revenue Dept. an audit on my tax return for 2014, it’s really puzzling me!!!
They are questioning the number of dependants that I claimed for.
Their question was ............. "List all your dependants?"
I replied, "1,000 muslim immigrants that we provide everything for; 1,000 crack / dope heads in rehab; 100,000 bludgers choosing to be on the dole and not even looking for work, 10,000 people in prison, the whole Treaty of Waitangi Gravy Train, 3,000 overstayers here for a ‘working holiday’ and the 120 tossers in the Beehive !!!!
They told me that this was NOT the correct answer..
SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO THE HELL DID I FORGET "?

Texan Sex:

Two cowboys were out drinkin' and talkin' about their favorite sex positions.
One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other Texan.
'What is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear:
'By Je'ez, these feel just like your sister's.’

'Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

GOOD THINKING OFFICER.


"OLD WOMAN SHOOTS HUSBAND"

A police officer called his Chief at the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here Sir. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

IRISH GHOST STORY:

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's supposedly true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.


John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.


Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.


Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other:

"Look Paddy..there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

A Beautiful Golf Story...



Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, “I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."