Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage
and you probably should just consider selling your cars along with your gun collection.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE !!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't........."

Longest Nerve In The Body:

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
Connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
People a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your Ass
And see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

Why seniors still need newspapers

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here… use my iPad.”




I can tell you this….. that friggin' fly never knew what hit him...

lawn mower and electric fences

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
>
> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
>
> Time stood still.
>
> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shucks lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shucks chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
>
> This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
> 'be nice!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
>
> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.
>
> I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
>
> There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..
>
> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
>
> 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
>
> 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
>
> 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
>
> 4 - My left eye will not open.
>
> 5 - My right eye will not close.
>
> 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
>
> 7 - My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
>
> 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting??

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.

What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
___________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
___________________________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
___________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Things I trust more than Hillary -- all in fun

* Mexican tap water

* A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign

* OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection

* A fart when I have diarrhea

* An elevator ride with Ray Rice

* Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby

* Michael Jackson's Doctor

* An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran

* A Palestinian on a motorcycle

* Gas station Sushi

* A Jimmy Carter economic plan

* Brian Williams news reports

* Loch Ness monster sightings

* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton

This guy is driving down the highway in his corvette and sees a hitchhiker with a big dog. So he stops and tells the guy he would give him a ride, but there's not room for the dog. The hitchhiker says "I can tie his leash on the back bumper."

The corvette driver says "that dog can't keep up." The hitchhiker says "oh yeah, he's pretty fast."

So he ties the dog on the back bumper and they get in and take off. The driver gets up to 20 mph, looks in the mirror and the dog is trotting along behind. He kicks it up to 50, looks in the mirror and the dog is just loping along . So he kicks it up to 80, looks in the mirror and the dog is running all out.

He thinks Damn, I gotta take another look at this dog. So he slams on the brakes and they get out and walk to the back of the vette. The dog is just standing there. The driver says "that's the fastest dog I've ever seen.

But what's that red ring around his neck?" The hitchhiker says "that's his a$$hole, he's not used to stopping that fast."

I thought you might be interested in this latest Biblical news flash.

MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE:

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.
They legalised gay marriage and legalised marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned".

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

While visiting the United Kingdom , Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.

When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room, she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.
Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared, "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!"

"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart.

"And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa!" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air.

"Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"

Golfer Surgery:

A golfer was in a car accident and lost his arm. He was taken to hospital and just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, there is just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection I also get a splitting headache."

Catholic girls:


A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?”

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her arse in it.

When you're over 70 who gives a #*@!


I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"
I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said "Yea", I got a pen".
I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".
Cost me 6 stitches.
When you are over seventy . . . who gives a ****



Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

This teenage girl wanted her boyfriend to get her a Mexican hairless dog for her birthday. He looked everywhere and couldn't find one, so he gets her a schnauzer. After a few days she decides to get some hair remover and take all the dog's hair off. So she gets on her moped and goes to the drugstore.

She tells the druggist she needs some hair remover. He said "I have some really good stuff here, but if you put it on your legs you won't be able to wear nylons for a day or two." She said "It's not for my legs."

He said "well, if you use it under your arms you might have to hold your arms out from your side for a couple of days."

She said "It's not for under my arms, it's for my schnauzer." He said "Damn honey, if you put this stuff on your schnauzer you won't be able to ride that honda for a week."

A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south
Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes
careful aim, shoots and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

"It's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.

Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer
from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while
he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs
the beer and runs away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots
and kills him. As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest
him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas !"
protests the Californian.

"Well, yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.

Then the Doctor's nurse came in. As she shut the door, she looked at me and then
she slowly whispered, very cautiously into my ear, so that no one else could hear,

'Who Was That?'