Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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What's that smell, she wispered!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC
when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the
eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits
the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting
go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified
parents who thank him endlessly.
A reporter had watched the entire event.

The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the
most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do
in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really,
the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in
danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go
unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's
paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me,
what do you do for a living and what political
affiliations do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of
curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions,
and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

And that pretty much sums up the media's
approach to the news these days.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.​ Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a​ ​praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck​ ​and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."​ ​

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as​ ​they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and​ ​every move caused him terrible pain.​ ​We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it​ ​turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants o​f Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."​

​Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed​ ​uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.​

​"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is​ ​out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum​ ​should recover completely."​

​All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and​ ​tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.​ ​A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.​

​He said, "Hi, I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I​ ​just want to tell my wife, the​ ​word is ​'​sternum​'​."

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

An old man and an old woman we're fooling around in the closet at a nursing home.

Things were getting hot and heavy. The woman says to the man:

"I should warn you, I have acute angina."

The man replied:

"Thank God, your tits look like hell!"

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
" Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off the boats ?"
To which the Newfoundlander replies:
" Lord tunderin' boyo, you be stunned as me arse. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin' boat "

A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with a lot of men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

A fellow stopped at a rural service station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county council, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back...



Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work!"

His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So...
He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
Officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
$5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan,
so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those Texas boys!

Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid !!!

Have you guys heard there is a new drug on the market for depressed lesbian women? The new drug brings joy back to their lives along with new found pleasure. What's this vastly new drug you ask? Trydixagain.

A good friend of mine says her doctor of many years, is an Indian woman by the name of Aranus.

I told my friend that her gynecologist missed her proper specialization by two centimeters.

After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.

The rest of the year went smoothly

FATHER BUYS A LIE DETECTOR ROBOT, THAT SLAPS PEOPLE WHEN THEY LIE.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Not sure that this belongs in the Joke thread, as it's got a lot of truth but it's still funny...

Argument.jpg

You know what I think??




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