Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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For those with an Iphone, type in Lardass and see what the auto correction is.....Your welcome!!

Originally Posted by Mudduck3

For those with an Iphone, type in Lardass and see what the auto correction is.....Your welcome!!

Don't know about the iPhone, but the Android offers "Kardashian", or "Kardashian's" as options.... Gotta love it!

It was a practical session in the psychology class. The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat ran towards the bread. This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat. Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.



Then, one of the students from the back rows said: "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She may be his wife!"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist that was speeding down Main Street

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say”

“And I told you to keep your yap shut! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

During a break between meetings, a man calls home on his cell phone. He’s across the country and the connection is not the greatest, but after several rings a small girl answers.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey. This is daddy. Is you mommy near the phone?”

"No daddy. She’s upstairs in your bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, he says, “Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs with mommy in your bedroom right now.”

After another brief pause daddy continues, “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, mommy got all scared and jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped on the rug and hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my gracious!! What about Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took all the water out of the pool last week to clean the bottom. He hit his head and I think he’s dead!”

“Ummm – swimming pool? Is this 206-597-5379?”

I think someone in Seattle will be getting a lot of strange calls.


Jack.

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I
couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said that she loves older bald guys these days.

"Yeah," I added, "And just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she
thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

I was listening to the radio this morning, and the weather service was giving a pre-storm warning that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take:

- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- A can of De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallons of gas in can
- First aid kit
- Jumper cables

I felt like a complete idiot getting on the bus.....

Romance


Barb was lying in bed one night. Al was falling asleep but Barb
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.

" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and
tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...
" Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, Al threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked..
"To get my teeth!"

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities
and adventures. Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day,
they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends
for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought
and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

SENIOR DRIVING

Vernon, a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his
wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on I-25. Please be careful!"

Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down
the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem
of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,

"I'll take the soup."

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on
through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few
more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was
red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in
a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please!!!! Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a
Radical Muslim, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the
head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished,
I got back into bed.
My wife said, “You're shaking, what is it?”
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "that son of a bitch
next door still has my shovel!"

A Muslim woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:
"That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says
to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll
hold your monkey for you."

Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport
an entire country back to the middle ages.
They're calling it “Islam.”

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
The customer says, "Female"
The counter guy asks, "Black, White or Asian?"
The customer says, "White"
The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.

Q. How do Muslims practice safe sex?
A. They mark the camels that kick.

Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp.

This is actually too close to reality to be funny, except the slices for meaningful work are too big.....

shop time.jpg

Canada always ready to help!

Press release:

The Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, met with the President
of the United States and strongly supported the war on terrorism.

Prime Minister Trudeau issued the following statement:

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM. WE HAVE
PLEDGED 2 WARSHIPS, 600 GROUND TROOPS, AND 6 FIGHTER JETS.

AFTER FACTORING IN THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP
WITH 2 CANOES, 6 MOUNTIES, AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS.

Never underestimate flying squirrels!!

another stolen joke

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits
the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know
where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the
infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million
replacement Muslims