Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by lamin8r

Well,now,fitzwilly..That has to be the joke of the month.. Awesome..

Ah, is that because you are classed in the old geezer camp Robin :-)

Originally Posted by Kiwidreamer

Ah, is that because you are classed in the old geezer camp Robin :-)

And proud of it sonny.. Remember,,I can retire in two years and three months,if I desire.. and play with my toys... hehe

Incidentally,,are ya working this weekend?? Coming up..

.. BAGPIPE FUNERAL

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow
that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so
the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and
crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the
men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

In honor of the day coming Thursday.

________________________________________________________

: Mayonnaise historical fact
>
> Did you know that back in
>
> 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was
> manufactured in England. In fact,
> the Titanic was carrying 12,000
> jars of the condiment scheduled
> for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico,
> which was to be the next port of call
> for the great ship after its stop in
> New York . This would have been
> the largest single shipment of
> mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico
> ... But as we know, the great ship
> did not make it to New York. The
> ship hit an iceberg and sank. The
> people of Mexico, who were crazy
> about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
> awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate
> at the loss. Their anguish was so
> great, that they declared a National
> Day of Mourning.
> The National Day of Mourning occurs
> each year on May 5 and is known,
> of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.
>
> WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
> You need a shot of Tequila

.

'Twas a sad day when that ship went down with all of that Mayo....

Sad indeed!

My preference is Miracle Whip.


Jack.

Sinko de Miracle?

My former D-I-L would prefer to be dis-mayoed, she does like her Miracle Whip, though.

So I was talking with this self-absorbed world traveler. When she finished bragging about all the places she had visited she asked me, "Have YOU ever been abroad? " "No," I replied, "I've always been a guy."

Thought this one was kind of cute.



cat1.jpg

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the
car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said
the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there.
You insisted there could be no discount on this model."

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?"
replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the older couple and handed them the keys.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, Grandpa."

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that
have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could
you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble"
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and
off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

Sing this to the Julie Andrews tune from Sounds of Music - "My Favourite Things"


Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

I had to borrow these


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Heather.

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 15th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the end of the driveway."