Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

If you reverse the wires on your horn, does it suck instead of blow?

potty.jpg

Saw this on the internet. Now I know how some people drive their hotrods on these long tours....

In honor of the day coming Thursday.

________________________________________________________

: Mayonnaise historical fact
>
> Did you know that back in
>
> 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was
> manufactured in England. In fact,
> the Titanic was carrying 12,000
> jars of the condiment scheduled
> for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico,
> which was to be the next port of call
> for the great ship after its stop in
> New York . This would have been
> the largest single shipment of
> mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico
> ... But as we know, the great ship
> did not make it to New York. The
> ship hit an iceberg and sank. The
> people of Mexico, who were crazy
> about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
> awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate
> at the loss. Their anguish was so
> great, that they declared a National
> Day of Mourning.
> The National Day of Mourning occurs
> each year on May 5 and is known,
> of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.
>
> WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
> You need a shot of Tequila

.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques for my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

I strike a quay end type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can putt the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have wrung this poem threw it
I am shore yore pleased two no
Its litter perfect awl the whey
My chequer tolled me sew.

Several armed robbers entered a bank.
One of them shouted: "Nobody move! The money belongs to the bank...Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately everybody in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman somehow laid on the floor in a rather provocative manner...
One of the robbers approached her saying, "Madam, this is a robbery not a rape...Please behave accordingly."

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, let's see how much money we got?"
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid...It's a lot of money, let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken."

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

Soon after the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen.".
"No...Wait", said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's first add all that money we took for ourselves over the past few months and also add in any other expenses and then let's just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."

This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.
The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million, so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking?
Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being just stupid robbers..."

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.


Now there's a moral here, (isn't there always?): Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

The sheriff enters the bar. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
"What does he look like?"
"He wears a brown paper suit, with brown paper hat, shirt, tie, socks, and shoes."
"What's he wanted for?"

"Rustling."

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefeet most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he also suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little mongrel, you're in my cupboard now'!!

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jim had carved "I love you, Lucy".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Lucy quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jim said,: "We've got to give it back."
Lucy said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Lucy said: "No."
Jim said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Lucy said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jim and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jim said: "Well, when Lucy and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

This voluntary isolation to stem this virus is getting on my wick.
It's upsetting the missus too!
She's running around outside banging on the doors and windows pleading to be let back in.

Two Kiwis are standing in a bar when suddenly a woman behind them starts to choke.
The first Kiwi lifts up the back of her skirt, pulls down her knickers and then slowly licks up and down the woman's butt crack. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth and she begins to breathe again.
"Ya know," his partner says in admiration, "I'd heard about that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 73 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.
So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again.

Don't blow your horn at old people; we have been around a long time.

I've been lying back admiring my ceiling.
It may not be the best ceiling in the world; but it's up there.

(Is this one over your head? A ceiling that is...)

(Sorry. Just couldn't resist that.)

Originally Posted by johnboy

I've been lying back admiring my ceiling.
It may not be the best ceiling in the world; but it's up there.

(Is this one over your head? A ceiling that is...)

(Sorry. Just couldn't resist that.)

The ceiling? Of course it's over my head! That's why in the Navy it's called "The Overhead"!