Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by.
What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and would not even look at a cow. I had beginning to think I had paid too much for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pill the Vet gave him..........but they taste like peppermint

Days like this.....

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A dear friend of mine has been feeling somewhat down lately - lack of energy, no motivation, no appetite and just kind of wasting away. He finally went to the doctor and after running a lot of tests the doctor said they have identified the problem but before continuing the doctor wanted to speak to my friends wife about his condition. So they both went to the doctor's office and the doctor indicated that my friend should wait in the reception area and he needed to privately speak with his wife. Once behind the closed doors, the doctor explained that my friend was suffering from a know condition. While this condition was yet to be named, the medical field had determined the most successful course of treatment.

The doctor told her, "The only chance your husband has involves sex two, or better yet,three times every day for the next month."

Nodding her head, she walked out into the reception area where her husband was anxiously waiting. "Well?" he asked, "What did the doctor say?"

She looked at him - slowly nodding her head side-to-side, "The doctor says you're going to die....."

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

This is exactly how politics works . .

This is only a joke..

RABBITS:

Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments.
Muslims will now be used instead.
A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed faster than rabbits, and you don't get fond of them!

A Plumber (The Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates..
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name,
and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates,
shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Plumber ( The Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter
and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments,
but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.
Is it because I'm a Plumber ( The Royalty of all Trades )

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Plumber ( The Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope
that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained,
He said,"In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said....


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(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

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"What's a headache?"

If you are female and reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if male, then feel proud after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -

Tiger Woods turns to Stevie Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, in dismay, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

Confucius says:

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.



Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ....

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

STORY OF 2 BEGGARS…
This is how you can get rich….
Hasam and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Hasam but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Hasam brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hasam 'I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Hasam says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Hasam says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.'
Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?
Hasam shows Habib his sign.
It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to Syria.'

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild love, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

IT’S A BOY!" he shouted. "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down his face he swore he’d never visit another Thai Brothel!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital..one's in a korma... the other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in... GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A Retired Person's Perspective:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they're holding a gun, she's probably pissed off.


4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.


5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.


6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.


8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?


10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

An old lady went into a bar in Ibiza and saw a man with his feet propped upon a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The man grinned and said, 'Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?'

The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a £50 note.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank you, I'm really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my 'services' before!'



'Don't be flattered' she replied...



'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'



Women can be so cruel !!