Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours. The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,

How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last week

when I asked if I could please borrow a newspaper.


"This is the 21st century, old fart," my son said.

"We don't waste money on newspapers anymore.

Here, you can borrow my iPad."

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I tell ya, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........!

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie." I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"

I know we're supposed to keep politics out of it but that last one was too good to pass up.


Jack.

Ya know the difference between roast beef and pea soup



anybody can roast beef

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. Kenneth," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.

"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?

"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.

"Johnny," he says.

"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.

"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?

"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?

"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"

A new look at emergency fuse materials....

Glen I could get a real bang out of the 350 amp choice!

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I found this definition in my Oxford English Reference Dictionary:

trumpery n and adj (pl ies) 1 a worthless finery b a worthless article 2 rubbish adj 1 showy but worthless (trumpery jewels) 2 delusive, shallow (trumpery argument) [ME f of tromperie f tromper deceive]

Hmmm...

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton's clocks?" asked the man.

St. Peter replied, "We're using them as ceiling fans."

I'am shure you have herd about the self driving cars by now but have you herd about the self flying airliners the only have a pilot and a dog the job of the pilot is to feed the dog and the job for the dog is to bite the pilot if touches the controls

Am I the only one??

A burglar broke into a guy's garage one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuable tools, and when he picked up a torque wrench to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more tools. Just as he pulled the plasma cutter out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of guy would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." the bird said.


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A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens’ eggs become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"