Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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The economy is so bad that:

• I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail
• CEO’s are now playing miniature golf
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America
• Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore
• A picture is worth 200 words
• They renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street”

Finally I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, the guy got all excited and asked if I could drive a stick shift truck!

The joke about the pilot and the dog reminded me of an old one I haven't heard in a long time.

The plane was full, passengers were settled in, seat belt and emergency announcements were done on the seat back monitors. The engines started, and the plane rolled back from the gate and began to taxi out to the runway. An announcement came over the speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, you are flying today in the newest and most advances airliner ever developed, with safety and performance at the fore of design and development. This aircraft is totally automated; there are no pilots or flight crew; all functions and services are provided by fully automated equipment. We understand there may be some feelings of trepidation and perhaps fear, but these systems have been thoroughly tested over several years, and no faults have ever occurred. We hope you enjoy your flight and the experience of the next generation of air travel. Remember, there is absolutely no danger, nothing can go wrong -- "click-hiss-go wrong --- click-hiss-go wrong --- click-hiss-go wrong --- click hiss----------------------".

.

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel in a constrained environment."

I was impressed.



On further enquiring, I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water.....under his wife's supervision.

this one is for Johnboy the rest for all of us

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Thoughts for Today--

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf


Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

Originally Posted by TOW'D

this one is for Johnboy the rest for all of us

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Well thank you Hank!

(I think! Trouble is that there's an awful lot of truth in that quote!)

The other day a friend commented about the many wrinkles in my face.
"Those aren't wrinkles," I said. "Those are laugh lines."
I think I heard him mumble under his breath, "Nothing could be that funny."

as i was taking my walk yesterday i came upon 3 birds sitting on a power line .. i hear one of them say " my instincts tell me to go west this year " ... another one says " my instincts tell me to go south " .. the third bird speaks up and says " my end stinks too but it dont tell me to go anywhere !! "

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.

“Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?

This is what us hotrodders face on a regular basis.

A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.

As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood.

She ended up buying far more than she needed.

When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags. As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers.

She could hardly control herself.

After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.

The young man willingly obliged.

As they walked through the carpark the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy”.

To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.

A Mom, Dad, and their two young boys are driving down the road behind a garbage truck. When the garage truck hits a dip in the road a dildo flies out of the back and thumps against the windshield of the family's car.

The mom instantly becomes very embarrassed. In an effect to spare her young children's innocence, the mother turns around and says to the boys

"Don't worry. That was just a flying insect."

To which one of the boys replies "Was it? Wow! I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

.

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter in their mini van and honked his car horn by mistake.

She immediately turned and looked at him with an expectant look on her face.

Seeing her look at him he said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "Oh, yes, I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How did you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

.

--------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Once upon a time, (all good stories start like that,) in deepest darkest Africa there lived a native king named Kohenkongalonga, (his favourite pastime was line-dancing,) who was much admired, loved, and respected by his people for his wise and compassionate governance.
When he held court in his grass-thatched state room he sat on his own special three-legged stool; from whence he espoused and expounded upon his views of the world, the universe, and everything, including the affairs of state in his own kingdom.
Such was the awe and reverence that his subjects held for him that they decided to raise funds to buy something special for his birthday.
After much debate amongst themselves they decided to replace his old three-legged stool with a magnificent golden throne.
The main source of income in their little kingdom was tourist oriented; so they set up a little stall selling such culinary delights as ‘Boiled Missionary on a Stick’, ‘Barbequed Intrepid Explorer’, and ‘White Hunter in a Bun’.
Such was the success of this enterprise that the people of the kingdom soon franchised it, and very quickly had franchises opening up as far north as Italy, France, and Germany.
Which returned and awful lot of overseas funds to the people of the small African Kingdom, and they were very soon able to fulfil their dream of buying their king the promised golden throne, one crafted by the finest goldsmiths in the world.
With much ceremony they presented it to their beloved King Kohenkongalonga and he was truly grateful.
But over the ensuing weeks and months their king found the throne to be cold to sit upon.
And uncomfortable.
And too ostentatious for his humble opinion of himself.
So after explaining this to his subjects, (and thanking them most sincerely for their fine gift,) he had the throne stored in the attic of his grass hut, and returned to using his old three-legged stool.
Unfortunately, one day whilst holding court, the golden throne fell through the ceiling right on top of poor King Kohenkongalonga SPLAT!
And flattened him flatter than a squashed louse.
Much wailing ensued, but after scraping up what they could of their beloved king, his subjects buried him with his golden throne.

Now if there’s a moral to this sad story it would have to be: ‘People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.’

'Twas the night before Christmas, and out in the shed
sat a tired ol Model Eh; Its battery near dead;
its hinges all rusted; its doors wouldn't close
The seats and carpets looked like Good Will clothes
Her tires had dry rot and the fuel tank was leaking
and a crank of the wheel sent the tie-rods a creaking.

So I threw on a coat with a weight in my heart;
and went out to the garage to give her a start.
The engine turned over, but there arose such a clatter;
I knew from that sound it was water pump chatter.
From under the dashboard there came a bright flash
the old cloth wrapped wiring had just turned to ash!!!!

I've had it with this ol A Bone I finally swore.
Enough is enough, I just can't take anymore.
When, what to my ol bloodshot red eyes should appear,
but a little old ghost (Hell I need a beer).

"Cheers" he said grinning from ear to ear,
"You need my help, see, I'm an ol hot rodder here!!!

"This one can be saved there's no need to grieve,
All you need is faith; Ya just gotta Believe"

A hammer. some duct tape, get me more tools!!!
When you work on these cars you just make your own rules,
We'll get'r cranked over and NO WAY will she stall,
but ya better stand back with your back to the wall."

A cough and a sputter- the exhaust note was stunning!!
I just couldn't believe the ol girl was running!!
The ghost winked, and said (kicking a tire),
"Whatever you do, JUST DON'T TOUCH THIS WIRE!!"

The old rodder vanished 'mongst the snorts and the farts,
but when the smoke cleared, he had left me some parts.

So I opened the garage door and put the top down,
put the pedal to the metal and drove outta town,
and I said to myself, as I missed second gear,


MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
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