Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

I hate people who take drugs and alcohol!











Like Customs Officers and Policemen...

A friend of mine wrote, "I rode my bicycle to the liquor store yesterday, and picked up a bottle of really nice single malt scotch. Out front, I put the bottle in my bicycle basket, but then thought, 'If I fall off of my bike the bottle will break!', so I drank the entire bottle before heading home, and through the empty bottle in their trash receptacle. It turns out my fears were well placed, because I fell off of the bicycle seven times on the way home!!"

Smart guy!

Bob the boss was suffering a minor cash-flow problem so decided he'd have to reduce staff numbers by at least one to manage his way through it. But he couldn't decide who to fire.
He finally whittled it down to a choice between two: Jack or Jill as they were the two most recently employed.
To make his choice the next day he thought he'd fire the first one to visit the water-cooler.
Jill, after a night out with her friends on the plonk came to work next day and headed straight for the cooler.
So Bob the boss walked up to her and said "I've decided I have to either lay you or Jack off..."
Jill interrupted him with the reply "Could you jack off? I feel like s**t."

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table. He was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did. The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked,

"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Foyt, anytime, anywhere," insisted Ted.

"Good. Then you fire her."

.

Joke of the Day! hide this posting
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began lecturing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

So where can we rent his mule? I realize I may need to book in advance due to availability!

Two of the most overlooked qualities in life:

Patience & Wisdom!
patience & wisdom.jpg

Once upon a time (all good stories start that way,) in a land far far away, (Siberia actually,) a little swallow's biological clock had a hiccough and as a result he left it too late to fly south for the winter.
Oh he tried! He flew as hard and as fast as he could but eventually, cold and exhausted, he fell from the sky.
Ivan, a local woodcutter came across him whilst heading for work. "Poor little fella!" he thought. (But in Russian; because that was the only language he knew.) "There's a nice fresh steaming reindeer shit. I'll put him in that and he'll soon get warm again."
So he did.
And yes; the swallow did warm up. Soon he was warm enough to start chirruping again.
"I'm warm!" he sang, "I'm warm!"
A wolf heard him and came to investigate the noise.
"Aha!" he thought. "A swallow!"
So he ate him.

There are four morals to this story:
1) It's not always your enemies who drop you in the shit.
2) It's not always your friends who get you out.
3) Sometimes being in the shit is the best option.
4) And if you're in the shit don't sing about it.

how shit happens;


In the beginning there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was on the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinks".
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof".
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide by it".
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength".
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong".
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful".
And the Vice Presidents went unto President saying unto him
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of this company, with powerful effects".
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how shit happens.

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate...and ate...and then...she ate some more!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.
She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
Then she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found the solution!
She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor... A Dead fly...
Now there's a moral to this sad story.
(Isn't there always)

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

Two elderly women, Mary and Susan, were sitting outside their nursing home, enjoying some coffee and having a smoke. They were having a great time talking and enjoying the sun, when suddenly, it started to rain.

A few seconds later, it was absolutely pouring down, but one of the ladies calmly opened her purse and started rummaging through it. Mary slowly pulled a condom out of the purse, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking without a care in the world.

Susan looked at her in surprise and asked, “Whats that?”

Mary replied, “A condom, of course. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

Susan exclaimed, “That’s ingenious! But where did you get the condom?”

Mary replied, “Oh, you can get them in any drugstore these days.”

The next day, Susan hobbled herself to the local drugstore, parked her walker by the entrance and went in. She started looking around for a bit, but didn’t find what she was looking for. She walked up to the cashier and announced to him that she wanted a 12-pack of condoms.

The young cashier seemed quite surprised at hearing this coming from an 81 year old lady.

A bit embarrassed, he stuttered, “A-alright ma’am. Which brand of condoms do you prefer?”

Susan shrugged and replied, “Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.

now that's a keeper.

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $19.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well love,' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'So what's with the emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

I don't care where your from.... that's funny!!

Once upon a time (all good stories start that way,) in a land far far away (the North Pole actually,) in a huge underground cavern (known to the locals as Santa’s Workshop,) Santa was preparing everything for his Annual Toy Run, which was only a week away.
A little fairy, Nuff, (not an unusual name for a fairy – surely everyone’s heard of Fairy Nuff?) came to see him.
“Santa,’ she said, “it would seem that our Christmas tree has been overlooked this year. Do you want me to fly to Finland and bring one back?”
“Dear me!” said Santa, “how remiss! Yes please Fairy Nuff.”
So without any more ado, away flew Fairy Nuff.

It was about then that things started to go wrong for poor Santa.
One of the elves marched into his office.
“I’m Good Elf To Ya, Union Delegate for the Free Order of Elves, or FOE as we like to be known. As of 3 o’clock this afternoon we’re going on strike. We’ve kept this workshop running 24/7 for the last twelve months and we’re demanding better working conditions for a start. We also want higher wages, (at least 7 cents more per week) a paid holiday in Bermuda every summer of at least 2 hours per elf, paid elf insurance with Medicare, and…”
“Out! Out!” roared Santa “I can’t afford such profligate expenses! We run a shoestring business here! I’d be broke if I acquiesced to your demands!”
“Suit yourself,” said Good Elf To Ya, “but as of 3 o’clock we’re gone,” and he walked out.
Just then the phone rang.
“Hello,” said Santa, picking up the receiver.
“Senior Sergeant Plod from the Vice Squad,” said the caller. “Every year about this time we have multiple worldwide reports of unauthorised entries into private dwellings. We have collated these reports and have come to the conclusion that this is but one man on an annual crime spree.. We’ll be there to interrogate you at length in an hour, have your attorney available,” and hung up.
There was then a timid knock at the door.
“Come in,” said Santa.
It was reindeer Donner.
“What can I do for you?’ asked Santa.
“Umm…some of the boys and I got on the turps a bit last night,” said Donner, “and things got a bit rowdy. Blitzen has a broken leg, Prancer has a dislocated shoulder, and Rudolph walked into the edge of a door and now has one eye the size of a football and glowing brighter than his nose. We’re going to be out of action for a fortnight if not more.”
“Get out of my sight,” groaned Santa.
Just then the phone rang again.
“What!’ roared Santa as he picked it up.
“Hello,” said a voice. “Senior Inspector Clark Kent from Civil Aviation Authority. It has come to our attention that you’ve been flying around all over the place in an unlicensed unregistered unauthorised craft. Can’t have that old chap! Next thing you know there’ll be all sorts on unauthorised idiots flying about all over the place. And that’s not a very good look.
Your craft has been grounded pending inspection.”
And he hung up.
Then there was another knock at the door.
“Yes?” groaned Santa.
“It’s me, Nuff,” said a voice. “I’ve got the Christmas tree. Where shall I put it?”


And from that day forward it has become the custom to have a fairy on the top of a Christmas tree.