Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat
down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news
was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a

swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.......

Marital Bliss-


Newlywed couple had only been married for 2 weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP , DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F...ING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F...ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

And, they lived happily ever after.

In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked,

"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded. "Why, yes I do
know you, Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a young boy, and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to
realize you will not amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher.
Yes, I know you."


The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney?" She
again
replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster,
too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in
the entire state. Not to mention he has cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes I know him." The
defense
attorney almost died.


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet
voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll
throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

HA HA HA HA HA that was pretty kewl tow'd.

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature!

Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!... she was gone.



After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back... "DON'T SWING FRED!!!"
"For God sake, DON'T SWING!"

"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God Sakes, DON'T SWING!"

Hahahahahahahahaha

Mr Smith was always a hard working man. He got top grades in his exams, he got a 1st class degree from cambridge, he got a well paid hard working company job, he works until midnight overtime and he even works over weekends. However, one day, the boss said to him, "Smithy, you work so hard, tell you what. I'll give you a 2 weeks paid holiday to Jamaica". Mr Smith was delighted, so the next morning, Mr Smith set off on a 1st class British Airways flight to Jamica.

He landed some several hour later and, after checking in at the luxurious hotel, headed for the beech.
Mr Smith was lying on the beech and was sooooo relaxed. Unfortunately, he was so relaxed that he drifted off to sleep. He woke up and could barley move, he was sunburnt from head to toe.
A very burnt Mr Smith headed to the nearby tourist medical centre and asked:
"Please help me, I am completely burnt, is there any special cream you can give me?"
A very large, typical hawaian shirt wearing Jamaican replied:
"Oh don't worry man, let me go look, see what I got for you"

The man was away for quite some time, and Mr Smith was wondering if he had forgotton. Suddenly, the large Jamaican man appeared with a small item in his hands.
"Here you go, this was the only thing I could find"
Mr Smith recieved the item and it read "Viagra"
Mr Smith was stuned,
"VIAGRA???? What the hell do you think this is gonna do? I'M BURNT not in need of some sexual help!"
The large Jamaican replied
"I don't know man, maybe it help keep the sheets off tonight"

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
>
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

> Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their
backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she
shouts out ..

Damn!... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner.."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"


3rd Hillbilly: "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wife's put together!...I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker

a guy went to the doctors office with a bad problem. " Doc, I have a problem that is scaring the crap out of me" . Well, what is it ? The problem is that my tallywacker has turned orange and i dont know why. The doctor replied " What do you do for hobbies "................................... " Well, eat Cheetos and watch porn,...... why do you ask ?"

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.
The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke
a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...
You fancy comin' along?

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. But, Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes".

"The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me.

If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.

Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared.

Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table.

The Jew said, "I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that hill.

Could you not find it?"

"I found it," rasped the Arab.

"But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

One day, while trying to escape from the American Forces, through Pakistan, Osama found a bottle on the beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a beautiful female Genie arose out of the mouth of the bottle, and with a dazzling smile, said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything". barked Bin Laden.
The shocked Genie said"Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought for a moment, then grumbling about the impertinence of the woman, he finally said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed with me in the morning, so just do it, and be off with you"!
The annoyed Genie said "So be it" and disappeared.
The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken and he had no health insurance!
God is so good!

A blind man enters a "Ladies" Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro
Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little $hit. If
you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor, someone said, "Oh $hit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."