Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by johnboy

I hate it when I make spelling mistakes. You only have to mix up two letters and your whole sentence is urined.

Don't that just piss you off?!?!?!

(Sorry.. I couldn't resist)

Pissed off..

Isn't that how the condom crossed the road?

"Shopping in Texas
My grandpa would always tell me that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras."

People frequently complain about the police, but you rarely hear about
the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen
carburetor. Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a Virginia State Trooper
on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker
was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect
the face from the cold weather.

"What's the matter? asked the Trooper.

"Carburetor's frozen,"was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped
and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later
the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers' Area office
received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began:
"On behalf of my daughter Janice...

Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

HM said to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen."

After they show her their ankles, the Queen said: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”

Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”

Nine years later, when the pair are released from prison, one of the blokes said to the other:

”I reckon, if we’d just had just a bit more education, we would have got that job!”





A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look 10 years younger



A little girl was at a wedding with her parents.
Slightly confused, after the nupitals, she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind.

“What do you mean?” responded her mother, looking perplexed.

“Well,” the little girl, with the kind of observational powers only a child can manage. “She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another!”



I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
"Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in.
As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123.'"



Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.



There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"



A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked, "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."



Q: What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

A: U.C.L.A.


Q: Did you hear about the comedian owl?

A: He was a real hoot.


Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?

A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.


Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?

A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.


Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?

A: An umbrella.


Q: What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?

A: A doctopus!

Little Johnny and little Mary are in the sand box playing when little Johnny pulls out the front of his pants, points down and says....ha ha, I have one of these and you don't. Little Mary pulls out her pants, looks down, starts to cry and runs home to Mommy. :Mommy asks little Mary what's wrong? After little Mary tells her, Mommy whispers in her ear. Little Mary comes back out with a big smile and goes up to little Johnny, pulls out her pants pointing down and says.... my Mommy says with one of these I can get all those I want.

Wait For It....

PortaJohn.jpg

Prince Harry's Bachelor Party - Quote of the Day...

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill
has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

When you're from a farming family your perception is a little bit different.


A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother Howard. Is he here?"

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look 10 years younger.

GROAN.... that was bad!!..

Johnny is playing at the curb with turpentine, lighting it and watching it burn. Along comes Pastor Fuzz, he asks, what are you playing with Johnny? Turpentine answers Johnny. Oh, says the good Pastor you shouldn't be playing with that stuff. Why not says Johnny? You could get burned pretty bad with that stuff. Well, what should I play with? Holy water says the good Pastor. What'll that do asks Johnny? If you rub it on a woman's tummy she'll pass a baby. Heck, that ain't nuttin says Johnny you rub this on a cats behind and it'll pass a motorcycle.

Nine year old Johnny (there's that Johnny kid again) is struggling with his math; the teacher is at her wits end, mom and dad aren't happy, he is getting failing grades in it. As a last resort, they enroll him at a Catholic school because they have a reputation for educational excellence. The first day of school, Johnny comes home from school and goes straight to his room, quietly closes the door and sets to work on his math; his mom checked up on him, and he is deep into his books. He only came out for his supper, and then went back to his math until bed time. This became his daily routine, and at the end of the first semester, he brings his report card home in a sealed envelope, unopened, and gives it to his mom, then heads to his room. Mom opens the report card and sees an A in the math line. At supper, his folks are so pleased, and ask him: what made the difference? was it the Nuns? No he said. Was it the strict discipline? No, he replied. Well, his dad asked, what made this amazing difference in your math grades? Johnny answered: well, when I walked in the front door the first day of school, I saw that guy nailed up on that plus sign, and I knew they were really serious about math.

.

Paddy wasn’t feeling too crash-hot so went to visit his local Doctor.
When he returned home Mary asked him what the doc had to say about him.
“I don’t really know,” replied Paddy. “He just told me to bring in a specimen to-morrow. But what’s a specimen?”
“I don’t know,” said Mary, “but Father O’Leary, who’s an educated man, would.”
“That Papist mongrel! You know I don’t get on with him! Every time we meet we finish in a punch-up!”
“Well you just be on your best behavior and be nice and polite to him.” said Mary.
Paddy muttered and grumbled, but having no other options went to seek out Father O’Leary.
Half an hour later he returned home.
His shirt is torn almost from his back, one eye is rapidly closing, his nose is spread across his face, one ear is ripped, his lip is split, and he’s lost a couple of teeth.
“Begorrah but what’s happened to you!” shrieked Mary. “I thought I told you to speak nicely to him and be polite!”
“I didn’t start it,” mumbled Paddy through his split lip. “I asked him nicely “Father, what’s a specimen?” and begorrah if he didn’t laugh at me and say “Go piss in a bottle.” So I replied “Go shit in your hat,” and the fight was on!”