Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do.

He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”

When my brother was in and a marine received a similar letter, email, or what ever.... They had a make a B*tch famous site. They'd post what ever pic (most of the time nude or close) of her on social media and tell her story.

Several armed robbers entered a bank.
One of them shouted: "Nobody move! The money belongs to the bank...Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately everybody in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman somehow laid on the floor in a rather provocative manner...
One of the robbers approached her saying, "Madam, this is a robbery not a rape...Please behave accordingly."

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, let's see how much money we got?"
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid...It's a lot of money, let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken."

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

Soon after the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen.".
"No...Wait", said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's first add all that money we took for ourselves over the past few months and also add in any other expenses and then let's just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."

This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.
The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million, so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking?
Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being just stupid robbers..."

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.


Now there's a moral here, (isn't there always?): Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

Sad part of this.
It's all to true! 8-)

Thanks JB.

Herman is 85 years old and retired living in Queens. He gets a checkup with his long time friend and physician, Dr. Ruben Horowitz.

A week or so afterward Dr. Horowitz sees Herman strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.

The doctor stops him and asks, “Hermie, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”

Herman says, “Just following your orders, Dr. Horowitz. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful.”

The physician exclaims, “Hermie, that’s not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart’s got a murmur. Be careful.”

oldie but goody
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"











"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played “Amazing Grace,” the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have
been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined
by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer
was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching
the description of the offender, running several blocks
away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer.
Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation
for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room.'


The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess
was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated
for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and
we think he'll win.

It’s impossible to explain puns to a kleptomaniac - - - they take things literally..............

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver..'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

*******************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece...
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy
you're talking about.

*******************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

*******************************************************

Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

***********************************

So the DW and I were RVing through Nebraska, the land of corn and soybeans and not much else, when the RV started to run warm. It was 102 degrees out so no big surprise. We decided to pull in to a farm yard and see if we could park there until it cooled off. On the porch was an older couple sitting in rocking chairs enoying the afternoon. There were chickens all over the farm yard. I got out of the RV and explained why we stopped in. The man introduced himself and his wife. They were George and Martha. George said we could park our RV next to the barn and we could stay until early morning when it was cooler. He told Martha to get us some tea and to join them on the porch. The DW and I were sitting on the porch watching the chickens. I mentioned to George that I noticed a rooster strutting around the yard like he was king. George said his name was Henry and he was quite the hens man. After a short while Henry started chasing a young hen around the yard. The hen knew of his intentions and was wanting no part of it. Around the yard they went. Finally Henry was about to catch the young hen when all of a sudden he stopped in his tracks and started pecking at a bug that was on the ground. George leaned back in his rocker, looked at Martha and then looked up at the sky. He then said Lord please don't ever let me get that hungry.

The Population of this country is 310 million.

160 Million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing terrorists.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your backside, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
"Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in.
As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123.'"

In New Zealand we have a TV programme aired on a Thursday evening called ‘Police 10 7’ which follows some of the incredibly stupid antics that our police forces have to contend with.
A few weeks back two cops were called to a shopping mall where a drunken woman was making a right nuisance of herself. They got her in their car and decided to take her back to her own place to sober up.
As they were driving her there she turned to the one along side her and said: “I heard a very funny joke today. Shall I tell it to you?”
“Go ahead,” said the plod.
“Do you know what a Schitzu is?”
“Yep. It’s a bred of Chinese dog isn’t it?”
“Nah. It’s a zoo with no animals.”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a burger and a beer. After his meal, he gets up, pulls out a Mac 10 and kills everyone in the bar except the bartender. As the bear heads for the door, the bartender exclaims, "Why did you do that?"
The bear simply replies, "I'm a panda, look it up."
The bartender pulls a dictionary out from under the bar, flips through some pages and reads:
"Panda: mammal - large black and white bear from Asia; eats shoots and leaves."