Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, 'When white man find land, natives running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Native man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

A dyslexic woman was locked up for stealing lingerie from her employer.


People who knew her always thought she would end up behind bras.

Just met a guy from India, He said he has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. I asked his name he said....Bindair Dundat......

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the comer of his left eye.

Here is a different twist on an oldie but goodie.

An old veteran walks into a grocery store. Immediately, the cashier stops him and says, "sir, your barracks door is open." At first, he pays zero attention to her because he doesn't live in the barracks. So, he continues shopping until he spots a man stocking some shelves. He tells him what the cashier said and asks what she could've meant.


He tells the veteran that his fly is open.

After completing his shopping, he goes back to the same cashier and says, "ma'am, you told me my barracks door was open. While you were looking, did you see a Marine standing at attention, saluting?"

The cashier replies, "no, sir. I just saw an old, retired veteran lying on two seabags."

...

A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife. She wrote,

“This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.”

The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, it feels nice and cold, and he says to himself,

“What's she talking aboutl? The fridge is working fine!”

A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of
you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband "I love you, sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and
read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married
for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true
love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

That's priceless Hank!
I can even see what my reaction would've been in there!

I'm with Johnboy; I'd probably just reply: "Hunh????"

..

Reply #6: What the hell did you do now?

I got pulled over by the Plod Squad the other day for speeding.
I'm a mouth at the best of times; and getting a ticket is not the best of times.
So I had a rant at the cop along the lines of "What the hell am I supposed to do with another bloody ticket, don't you jokers get sick of dishing them out to innocent drivers?"
And so on.
And on.
And on...

The cop never said a word until he handed me the ticket.
"There is a plus to it," he said, "when you get three of them in one year you get a push-bike."

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

There are several morals to this story: 1) not all Irish are drunks, 2) not all blondes are dumb, and 3) but all men...are men!

Now THAT was funny JB!

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

Mayday! Mayday!

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!

He yelled,
"Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower : "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft : "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!"

Tower : "Okay, that's good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft : "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"

Tower :
"Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast! So how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft :
"The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!"