Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.




But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

“Fishing,” replied the old man.

"Poor old fool,” thought the gentleman.

So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

“And how many have you caught?”

"You’re the eighth.”

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.....

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too..... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists..... The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50.... in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhh my goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

(Send this to all of your senior friends in big type so they can read it.)

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said,
“I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied.

“But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life… until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her,

“Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgettable, conductible iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls cut off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?”

“No. No thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina-Colada?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months?” She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes…

“I can check my e-mail from here?”

While on a road trip, my wife and I stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing our meal, we left the restaurant, and resumed our trip. When leaving, my wife unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until we had been driving for about forty minutes.

And to add to the aggravation, we had to travel quite a distance before we could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

On the way back, I became the classic grouchy old man. I fussed and complained, and scolded my wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more I chided her, the more agitated I became - I just wouldn’t let up for a single minute. To her relief, we finally arrived at the restaurant.

As my wife got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses I yelled to her, "While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and my Visa card."

The rest of the ride was quiet - except for her non stop chuckling and a real big smile.

we just don't learn......

The wife comes home late at night from a night out with the girls. She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the sheets she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the sheet as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi, sweetheart,” he says. “Your parents have come to visit us. I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in the country and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Minnesota. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but, the two Heads of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says:
"Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure you understand
there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought . .
until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.”

Jim Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Bubba says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?” “Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done", the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

“Yes, I do have a wife.”

“And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Jim Bob says, “What’s that?”

Bubba says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?”

“No.”

“Well then you’re a queer ain't ya”

Groan.
Aaw that's bad.
It's so bad I had to laugh.

I'm with JB... but it was FUNNY!

Then you'll love this one Johnboy....

One Day the lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that a tool is missing, he goes to an elephant and asks,

“Have you seen my tool?”

Elephant replies: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Elephant: “Sorry, I haven’t seen it, try mouse.”

So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Mouse: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Mouse: “Sorry mate, I’ve not seen it, try croc.”

So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Croc: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Croc: “Sorry I’ve not seen it, try Jaguar.”

So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Jaguar: “Of course, I ate it.”

Lion: “Why did you do that?”

Jaguar: “Well I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar.”

I thought so little of it that I did a copy/paste and it's now on the joke page of the Mavericks NZ website.
With my name in the 'credit' panel.

And (so far) here's the response I got:



barracuda and bathcollector like this

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Post by Alf on 18 hours ago

Now I don't feel so bad about posting terrible jokes.................



I'm not getting old.... I'm just evolving.




Gumpy
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Posts: 6,586

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15 hours ago

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Post by Gumpy on 15 hours ago

Sigh....