Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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One evening, after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Hot Rod in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the workbench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage."
"You probably should consider selling your Hot Rod and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment... And what's the use of that old Harley motorcycle?"

Bob looked horrified!

She noticed and said, "Honey, what's wrong?"

He replied, "You are starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Bob replied, "I wasn't..."

FINALLY!! Something Funny!! rotflmao.. HAH!!!

That is awesome!

A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.
As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a concealed weapon permit.
Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, "Do you have a gun in your possession?"
She replied in her crackly voice, "Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box."
The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.
She replied, "I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console."
The shocked trooper asked, "Is that all the weapons you are transporting?"
The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse."
Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?"
And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a F- ing Thing."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

another oldie

I was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
I asked my wife if she would go to Lowes and pick up a hinge. She agreed
to go. While she was waiting for the manager, Charlie, to finish serving a
customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was
finished, She asked him, "How much is that faucet?

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."

She exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet - certainly out of
my price range.." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent
her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49.
He then went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom, the manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the
hinge?"

She shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Lowes

Crikey Hank, that's a bit rough!

(Funny though!)

The sheriff enters the bar. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
"What does he look like?"
"He wears a brown paper suit, with brown paper hat, shirt, tie, socks, and shoes."
"What's he wanted for?"

"Rustling."

OH JB..... Please.

Procrastinators United will be holding a meeting for nominating members to be inducted in the 2004 Procrastinators Hall of Fame class.

A guy walks into a bar and demands a shot of 12-yr old malt.

The barman says to himself "Rude bastard, he'll never know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old blended whisky.

The guy takes one sip, spits it out and shouts at the barman: "Oi, I said 12-year old malt!"

The barman is unimpressed and tries to foist him off with some 6-year old scotch. The guy takes a sip...same reaction. But the barman is still unwilling to give in and he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the customer.

Finally, the barman has to concede that the guy is a connoisseur and he serves him his original request for a glass of 12-year-old malt. The guy takes a sip and is at last satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the customer and slurs: "Shay mishter, tashte this!"

The guy duly obliges but spits it out immediately. "Ugh ! It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: "It ish. How old would you shay I am ?"

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar: "What'll you have?"
The guy replies: "A scotch please."
The bartender hands him his drink and says: " That'll be $7," to which the guy replies: "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything."
A lawyer, sitting nearby says: "He's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender, not impressed, says to the guy: "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't you ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, the same guy walks in to the bar. The bartender says: "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says: "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies: "Crikey! This is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies: "Thank-you. Make it a scotch."

A few years back I used to sub-contract over the winter months welding up new cowsheds being built by local builders.
I was strong enough in those days to be able to pick up my welder from the back of the Falcon and carry it to wherever I needed it on-site.
One particular builder had an obnoxious twenty/twenty-five year old working for him who delighted in baiting me, and how he was my physical superior after he'd seen me do this four or five times.
He just kept at it, asking if I needed help stirring sugar into my coffee, or even needing a helping hand to drink it, all the time calling me 'Pops' or 'Old Fella' and it did rather start to get up my nose and irritate.
One morning smoko (a Kiwi term for morning/afternoon tea,) I'd had enough, so said: "Okay smartarse, I'll wager one hundred bucks I can barrow a pile of shit over to that end of the yard that you won't be able to barrow back."
"You're on!" he replied.
So I went and got a barrow, wheeled it back to the smoko caravan, put it down, turned around to him and said: "Hop in."

(That's a true story. Would I ever tell lies to you?)

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a kangaroo, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

OOOOOOOOOOoooooo JB. Did you tell Rosie that one??? LOL..