Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.


Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)


Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your ass look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?


Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2019, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.





This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

An oldie but a goody:


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

As Ronald Reagan once said: "Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason."

Nappies = Diapers.


Thanks for the smile JB.

The Maine D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

They can't warn "truck" either.

A seven year old kid walks up to the woman behind the counter in a chemist shop.
"Can I have a packet of tampons please?" he asks.
She raises her eyebrows at his request and asks "Are they for your mother dear?"
"No, they're for me."
This raises her eyebrows a bit further. "Perhaps you'd better explain," she says.
"I saw on the television that if I use tampons I'll be able to swim and ride a bicycle. At the moment I can do neither."

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefeet most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he also suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

With that one about Mahatma Ghandi I thought I'd better bring this one out of the closet too...




I suppose it's about time I told this story...I've kept quiet about it for years...but now I think it can finally come out...it was a long time ago...


It all started when my sister and brother-in-law bought a ten acre block up Valley Road in Paraparaumu, and needed it fenced into smaller paddocks.
They got a quote from a local fencing contractor for $180 per chain, (a chain is a lineal measure; 1 chain = 66 ft.,) which they thought rather excessive, so asked me for my opinion.
Being young and dumb, and proud of my fencing skills, I offered to do it for them for nothing...and hey; that's what you do for family.
So She and I loaded my fencing gear into the car and headed for Paraparaumu expecting to knock the job out in a week or so.

Oh boy! Was I in for a surprise!

On my land I'd budget on 35 minutes for a strainer hole, another 35 mins. for stay and plate, and 5 mins. per post hole.
Whereas their land is all rotten rock...every hole had to be dug with a crowbar; if I got two strainer/stay assemblies in in a day I was doing well.
So the job took much longer than anticipated.
But my farm had to be run at the same time...so I sent She back home (with the car,) while I stayed on to fence the block up, sleeping in the wee shed on the property.
I soon found there were some things I really needed for creature comfort, so I started making a wee list for 'stuff' I needed to buy from down in the village.

1) Soup. Versatile stuff, and easy to prepare on the wee gas burner I'd brought with me.

2) A cauli. I really love my veges, and cauliflower is one of my favourites.

3) Fridge. Gotta have somewhere to keep my cauli...and my beer!

4) Elastic. The elastic band in one pair of my dacks had given out, and they were bunching around my crotch...most uncomfortable.

5) Eggs. They too are versatile...scramble them, fry them, poach them...all good.

6) Peas. Yep...love my veges.

7) Halitosis. Not expecting to be long, I hadn't brought enough tooth-paste...and its got pretty bad when you spit on the grass and it shrivels in a puff of smoke.

So I set off on the ten mile walk to town, intending to get a local courier to bring these things (and me,) back up to Valley Rd.
I was about half way there when I realised I'd left my list behind, so I started chanting it under my breath so that I wouldn't forget anything.
One of the locals, driving to town himself, saw me walking and stopped to give me a lift.
(He was English, or French, or Belgian, or some other sort of Italian.)
"What's that you're saying?" he asked.
So I told him.
"Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."
"Hmm," he said. "I think I can do something with that. Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious."

So now you know how it came about.
And I first put those words to paper.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little mongrel, you're in my cupboard now'!!

Grandmas don't know everything...
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.


A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

A husband and wife were having a bad day.

They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.

At night the husband left a note on the table saying,

“Please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to get up early for a very important meeting at work.”

He went to sleep and all was well. The next morning he woke up and immediately realized something was wrong, he was too rested for comfort. He looked at the time and panicked because it was already 9:00 o'clock.

He ran to his wife and asked why she didn’t wake him up. She glanced at the table.
Next to his note was another one. He opened it and it said,

“Wake up, it’s 6 A.M.”

A buxom young lady decides to go for a swim in the ocean, so she wades in and is hit by a huge wave, tearing off her bikini top and washing it out to sea.
She tries to cover herself up with her hands and arms and heads back to shore.
Just as she walking is out of the water and heading for her beach towel and clothes,
a little boy comes up to her and says, "Hey lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose."

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jim had carved "I love you, Lucy".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Lucy quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jim said,: "We've got to give it back."
Lucy said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Lucy said: "No."
Jim said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Lucy said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jim and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jim said: "Well, when Lucy and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

A huge thank you to my neighbour for allowing me to borrow her large sheet of plastic covering.


Ta, Pauline.

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said:

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."