Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it."

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Originally Posted by TOW'D

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

I'll raise a glass to that!

They have finally figured out what caused Tiger Woods mid career slump. As you know, he admired his father a lot and looked up to him for everything. An old video was found of Tiger and his Dad practicing golf at an early age.

Tiger’s Dad said, “ son focus only on golf and screw everything else”

Chuck Norris ordered a big mac today at burger king and got one ..

This voluntary isolation to stem this virus is getting on my wick.
It's upsetting the missus too!
She's running around outside banging on the doors and windows pleading to be let back in.

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut
a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for
almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto
the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped
his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man
couldn’t take it any longer.
“Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been
here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do
it?”

The boy responded,
“Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded,
“Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man,
“I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said,
“You have to keep the worms warm!”

This guy is driving down the highway in his corvette and sees a hitchhiker with a big dog. So he stops and tells the the guy he would give him a ride, but there's not room for the dog. The hitchhiker says "I can tie his leash on the back bumper."

The corvette driver says "that dog can't keep up." The hitchhiker says "oh yeah, he's pretty fast." So he ties the dog on the back bumper and they get in and take off. The driver gets up to 20 mph, looks in the mirror and the dog is trotting along behind. He kicks it up to 50, looks in the mirror and the dog is just loping along .

So he kicks it up to 80, looks in the mirror and the dog is running all out. He thinks Damn, I gotta take another look at this dog. So he slams on the brakes and they get out and walk to the back of the vette. The dog is just standing there.
The driver says "that's the fastest dog I've ever seen. But what's that red ring around his neck?"

The hitchhiker says "that's his a$$hole, he's not used to stopping that fast."

Not every place that changes oil knows this:

oil change.jpg

Ya gotta admit, it does get the last drop out, LOL...

along that vein and yet not very funny at the time at the service station i worked at in the mid 80`s the nite closing crew forgot to set the safety catch on the car lift with a reasonable new mercedes convert of some kind up in the air .. the next morning it was found upside down in the next bay .. it came down on the tire rack stored nearby and flipped off ..

Originally Posted by HOSS429

along that vein and yet not very funny at the time at the service station i worked at in the mid 80`s the nite closing crew forgot to set the safety catch on the car lift with a reasonable new mercedes convert of some kind up in the air .. the next morning it was found upside down in the next bay .. it came down on the tire rack stored nearby and flipped off ..

There's a new, bright red C8 Corvette up for auction that suffered the same fate. Fell off of the lift at the dealership and they ordered the guy a new one - https://www.hotrod.com/articles/2020...4198F82D317D4B

Two Kiwis are standing in a bar when suddenly a woman behind them starts to choke.
The first Kiwi lifts up the back of her skirt, pulls down her knickers and then slowly licks up and down the woman's butt crack. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth and she begins to breathe again.
"Ya know," his partner says in admiration, "I'd heard about that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 73 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.
So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again.

Don't blow your horn at old people; we have been around a long time.