Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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After almost 50 years of marriage my wife thinks I'm still sexy
as I walked past her I heard her say what a ass

Originally Posted by TOW'D

After almost 50 years of marriage my wife thinks I'm still sexy
as I walked past her I heard her say what a ass

That reminds me of the rhetorical question: Why did the peasant call his donkey Delores?


Because delores an ass...


(Yeah yeah, I know, it's even worse than your one Hank! Don't ban me...)

Originally Posted by johnboy

Because delores an ass...

Can you translate, jb? That one sailed right over my head!

I'm with you, maybe it's a New Sail Land thing, lol...

Sorry I confused you Americans.

Break the name down into its syllables: do lor es.

Or phonetically: da law is...an ass.

It's a quote from some famous fella who lived long before even I was born; but I can't remember now who he was.

After spending a couple of evenings in 64 with a group of Aussie Marines in Subic Bay I thought I had that figured out and I did. Good one JB.

Originally Posted by johnboy

Sorry I confused you Americans.

Break the name down into its syllables: do lor es.

Or phonetically: da law is...an ass.

It's a quote from some famous fella who lived long before even I was born; but I can't remember now who he was.

Oliver Twist, 1838. When Mr. Bumble, the unhappy spouse of a domineering wife, is told in court that "...the law supposes that your wife acts under your direction", replies:

"If the law supposes that," said Mr. Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, "the law is a ass - a idiot".

Charles Dickens.
I should've guessed that. It even sounds Dickensian.
He was an extremely clever bloke who could come out with memorable phrases, that being just one of them.

I've been lying back admiring my ceiling.
It may not be the best ceiling in the world; but it's up there.

(Is this one over your head? A ceiling that is...)

(Sorry. Just couldn't resist that.)

Originally Posted by johnboy

I've been lying back admiring my ceiling.
It may not be the best ceiling in the world; but it's up there.

(Is this one over your head? A ceiling that is...)

(Sorry. Just couldn't resist that.)

The ceiling? Of course it's over my head! That's why in the Navy it's called "The Overhead"!

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.


Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

Ouch!
Crikey Hank; that strikes a chord.

'There's many a true word spoken in jest.'

Keeping warm

A young farm couple purchased an century-old farmstead from a retired farmer and his family. Winter was fast approaching and the young couple was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" the man confidently declared.

One winter night, the temperature plunged to below zero, and the young pair woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. The husband called the retired farmer to ask how they had kept the house warm during sub-zero nights like these. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "They've gone to Florida for the winter."

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Fred is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - he hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's on the floor all covered in broken glass. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that too..."
"Hold on now, after all that just how did he die?"

"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house!"

OH JB.?./.?./.? I'm not sure whether to grin or groan!