Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by 34_40

oh jb.?./.?./.? I'm not sure whether to grin or groan!

groan.....

Settling the case
A young lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

Immediately before the trial began, the attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young man, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that danged bull came home this morning."

Grouchy

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question,
"How did I get here?"
Her mother told her,
"God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this Family for over 100 years?
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here!

Years ago my wife and I volunteered with high school youth at our church. We had a wonderful youth pastor from Canada and he told us this story – I believe it to be based on a real life experience:

When I was a youth pastor in Canada at a large church we decided to have a question and answer forum for our graduating seniors. We selected a panel of adult volunteers from the congregation that included a banker, a college professor, a local business owner, a financial planner, and lastly Walter Williams - a 70 plus year old man from our Elder board. The seniors (about 250 of them) were to write questions out for several weeks before the event and we would then randomly draw the questions from a fishbowl and have one of the adults on the panel field the question.

As the day arrived, the church was full of seniors, their parents and friends. The first question out of the bowl was,
“My grandparents gave me a $1,000 for graduations. What would be the best way to invest this sum?”
The banker suggested a savings account and then deferred to the investment planner who explained how the individual could start a Roth IRA or invest in a mutual fund.

Next question was from a burly young athlete,
“I really don’t feel like 4 years of college is for me right now – what can I do instead?”
The college professor encouraged the young to perhaps look at a community college for a class or two in a vocational program. The business owner indicated that as soon as the young man was enrolled in a vocational program he would be more than happy to have him work part time in his warehouse.

And so the questions progressed until one was drawn out and before thinking, the emcee read aloud,
“When do people stop having sex?”
Ooh – there was a hush for several seconds before Walter, the old elder stood up. Nodding his head and smiling he began,
“This might be one I can answer – as to exactly when people stop having sex I can rightly say but I will tell you it’s sometime after seventy!”

The place exploded with applause and the kids saw Walter in a new light from that day forward. The girls would smile and blush – looking down when they saw him but the guys all greeted Walter with a high-five and asked, “So how’s the missus, eh Mr. Williams?”

It’s a guy thing

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I've had cats get up on the motor in the winter. especially when the farm trucks and tractors get the block heaters plugged in.

Sure makes a mess when you start them motor and forget to slap the hood and give'em a chance to get out of the way..

Originally Posted by 34_40

Sure makes a mess when you start them motor and forget to slap the hood and give'em a chance to get out of the way..

That doesn't bear thinking about.

I just saw this add, I don't think I could afford or live through one of these girls, let alone FIVE!!!!!

Originally Posted by 36 sedan

I just saw this add, I don't think I could afford or live through one of these girls, let alone FIVE!!!!!

You're not looking close enough. It isn't 5! rotflmao!

Originally Posted by 34_40

You're not looking close enough. It isn't 5! rotflmao!

Yeah, BUT the fifth one is 75% off! You gotta buy five to get the discount on ONE!!! Lol

Maybe "I" need to go look again!!

Yeah! That's it right?

Yeah, but you get the wrappers, and you provide your own "fillers"!

^^^^ lol

Well, I am ...."on a diet" , so I can only look! 8-)

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!

During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.