Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

Originally Posted by 34_40

And what's funniest in that picture.. they are doing it wrong! LOL

You're right.

But I have to admit I've taken to a recalcitrant nut or bolt by using that method...

And taken a bit of bark off my knuckles or the back of my hand...

Originally Posted by 34_40

And what's funniest in that picture.. they are doing it wrong! LOL

You're right if he's tightening, but if he's loosening the nut he's golden! I've used the second wrench lever more for trying to break something loose than trying to crank it tighter. Just sayin'.....

I must've got tangled with Hank's (TOW"D) big fingers.

lady enters a fishmongers and asks for three cod fillets
"I'm sorry madam , we have sold out of cod "
"OH! " she says " Ah well three cod fillets then "
" sorry madam , we have no cod at all "
" Um, in that cae i will have three cod fillets " she says yet again
"listen love , spell plaice for me " says the monger
" p.l.a.i.c.e. " she says
" excellent , now can you spell salmon " he asks her
" s.a.l.m.o.n. " comes the reply .
" brilliant , now spell cod "
" C.O.D. " he hears from her sweet lips
"where's the F ?" asks the fishmonger looking at her quizzically
The lady looks surprised & informs the fishmonger " There is no F in cod "
" Finally " he says "NOW what would you like instead "

LOL I sometimes get a small bit of education from johnboy's & TOW'D's posts here. jb tosses in NZ slang terms that often have me wondering, and today it's "plaice" from TOW'D! My first reaction was "There's no 'I' in the word PLACE, like a noun is a person, place or thing. But then I Googled the spelling and learned that a plaice is a variety of flounder, a common european term! Fishmonger isn't in my day-to-day vocabulary, but I'm familiar enough with the term for a shop selling fish.
They say one should learn something every day, so today I've learned the name "plaice"!! Thanks, TOW'D!!

I got to know a lot of different fish species serving as a Foreign fishery Observer on a Korean fishing vessel, monitoring and reporting daily catch to NOAA, during fishing seasons that foreign boats were allowed to fish in US waters up in the Bering Sea in Alaska. this was in the late 1980's. Alaska really was and is the last frontier, trust me on this!


https://www.google.com/search?q=plai...hrome&ie=UTF-8

Two locals from a small town are critiquing their new neighbour.
"Is he a big fella?" asks one.
"Well of you're going to walk around him take a packed lunch."

I bought a teddy for $10, named him Mohammed then sold him on for $20.

Question is, did I make a prophet?

it is getting harder trying to keep up with johnboy

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.


I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ..."


Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f*cked.

I was dating a beautiful cross-eyed girl for the last twelve months.

We broke up 'cos she was seeing someone else.

Wife: "Honey did you find the shampoo?"

Husband: "Yes but it's for dry hair and I'd already put mine under the shower."

Originally Posted by johnboy

Wife: "Honey did you find the shampoo?"

Husband: "Yes but it's for dry hair and I'd already put mine under the shower."

I had a different problem. Shampoo in the shower, suds cascading over my body and I see on the label in bold text, "Builds Extra Body and Volume With Every Use!" No wonder I can't drop the extra weight!! I dumped the stuff down the drain and switched to DAWN Diswashing Soap that promises "Dissolves Fat Fast!" Problem solved!!

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80…
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
3. No one expects you to run – anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask: “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
11. You can’t remember who posted this list.
And remember – never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

A weasel walks into a bar and the barman says "Wow! I've never served a weasel before...what can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

The missus asked if She could have some peace and quiet while She cooked dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarms.