Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Unfortunately that's not a joke, just the truth plain and simple.

Joe Friday is turning over in his grave.

Better check the hone pattern.....
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I'd say someone got a wee bit carried away

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached Father McCarthy with an unusual offer:

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

He passed Father McCarthy a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, Father McCarthy looked the young man in the eye and said:

“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,

“Yes,” then leaned toward Father McCarthy and hissed:

“I thought we had a deal.”

Father McCarthy put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered:

“She made me a better offer.”

Hee Hee Hee...
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^^^ Ain't that the truth!

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?” The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”

You had your chance....

/\ /\ OUCH! lol /\ /\

Last night....

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon

She said "F**k off! They're for the funeral."

What a beautiful love story!!

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin.. perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.” The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.” The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. “Well, noo,” he said, ‘my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.’ “Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

An Englishman died unexpectedly.

His best mates were an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman. A few weeks before his death the Englishman had bought tickets for them all to attend a game of football together; and the other three owed him 100 pounds each.

At the funeral the deceased's wife gently reminded them of the debt.

The Welshman decided it would be a nice gesture to drop a hundred in cash into the casket and did so. The Irishman saw this and did likewise.

The Scot went over to the open casket, wrote out a cheque for 300 pounds, and took out the other two hundred in cash as his change.

I must drink too much Scotch. It sounds fine.