Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

"Daddy what's that flower called?"
"That's a chrysanthemum son."
"How do you spell that?"

"No, wait. It's a rose."

Last night I was so drunk I took a cab home.

Now I've got a cab in my garage and I don't know what to do with it.

Who of those among us can relate??

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.

Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them.

Disneyland. The world's biggest people trap, built by a mouse.

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.

You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.

Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses

You know...they say an elephant never forgets. What they don't tell you is, you never forget an elephant.

I lived in a houseboat and dated the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.

Notice in 'For Sale' column of local newspaper: 'For sale by owner, complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes, excellent condition, no longer needed. Got Married last month and wife knows everything.'

I thought of johnboy when I saw this one! He does love his Lion's Brown!!
-
Beer.jpg

[QUOTE=rspears;598276]I thought of johnboy when I saw this one! He does love his Lion's Brown!!
-/QUOTE]

A strange thing there Roger. I've had a few Lion Browns every evening for about forty years. When I fell over seven months ago I cracked my head twice pretty damned hard on concrete floors, once at home and again in the hospital. (Not that I remember it - I was told so.)
Since then I haven't touched any alcohol in any way.
And I don't miss it.

So if you want to be teetotal bash your head on the floor!

It might work for you..

Originally Posted by johnboy

So if you want to be teetotal bash your head on the floor!

Ha! Seems a bit harsh! Hey, I heard that Norway recently put barcodes on all of their Navy gear! Now when they return to port the Harbor Master can simply Scan-De-Navy-In!!

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

AND THE BEST IS LAST:

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we're getting somewhere

Originally Posted by johnboy

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

In today's system they probably gave points for creativity, and passed all of the little darlings to not damage their sensitive little psyche's!!

This rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, he thinks about it for a minute, then he walks across the barnyard and kicks the shit out of the peacock.

I walked down the street to the fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver..

I turned a few heads...

I went to an antique auction on Saturday.

Three people bid on me...