Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

Ahhhh - it's so much fun to grow older. I can relate with most of these and I'm willing to bet a lot of us here at CHR can as well.

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

"Mummy mummy, can I lick the bowl?"

"Nah, do what everyone else does and flush it."

That was a bit rough Johnboy…. made me LOL.. but oh my!!

Part two... anyone else relate? I thought so.

1. I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

2. I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

3. I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit.

4. My goal for 2021 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

5. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

6. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

7. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

8. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

9. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

10. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

11. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.

12. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

13. I love being 70; I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

14. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

15. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

16. Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

17. Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

18. It's weird being the same age as old people.

19. When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.

20. Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

21. It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

22. Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

23. Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember - don't sing!

24. If 2021 was a math word-problem: If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

25. I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

26. So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

27. Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next, you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don't even like.

28. I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

29. You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

30. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

New game, earn the man-card cert.

Oh too funny - and while you're at it list the number of stiches required to put your face and chest back together!!

OK, this is a bit too close to realities!!
Millinial HotRod.jpg

Only needs a stack of batteries

Uh Oh.....
-
FB_IMG_1645583204642.jpg

And then...
-
.FB_IMG_1645623133483.jpg

Sad news today, the man who invented the sippy cup used by toddlers world wide died. His entire company now belongs to Mrs. Sippy.

Originally Posted by Dave Severson

Sad news today, the man who invented the sippy cup used by toddlers world wide died. His entire company now belongs to Mrs. Sippy.

Arrrrrrrrgh!

Sappy Sippy! but cute!

Originally Posted by 34_40

Sappy Sippy! but cute!

Words are such wonderful things, aren't they?

I lived by the code of "Live hard, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse". Then it became clear that 2 of those three things were no longer an option so I just quit the third.