Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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The Germans are crazy on sausages. They even have a sausage made from other sausages.

It's the wurst of the wurst.

all walk into a bar together.

Things got a bit tense.

Johnboy we call that PUNishment!

What does a subatomic duck say?

Quark!

Louie and Rose lived in an old folks' retirement community, he a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, Louie took a few admiring glances at Rose and finally gathered the courage to ask her: “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered “Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, Louie was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called Rose. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear Rose say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.

JB, that one is becoming all to true! Funny! but true..

^^^^^Reminded me of this old but good one. Warning: It has one colorful word in it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/commen...adio_this_was/

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Dscartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore, I am', but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

another oldie but goodie
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,


'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

My wife and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said,
"You gave me too much money."

I said,
"Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back."

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said,
"We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing."

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said,
"You need a 1/4 horsepower."

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
"NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two."

We haven't used that repairman since....

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied,
"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She is a government employee.

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply,
"I know. I already did that side."


STAY ALERT! - They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aid in for maintenance.

I haven't heard a word back.

Like John Wayne said "Life's tough and it's tougher if you're stupid".

A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed a lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the $1000 bet, he asked "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little man quietly replied: "I work for the Tax Department...”

Ain't that the sad truth! LOL

A Catholic nun jumped into a cab, told the cabbie her destination and off they went. About 10 minutes into the ride, the cabbie said, "I've always wanted to kiss a nun, would it be possible to give you a little kiss?" The nun thought about it for awhile and told the cabbie he could, but only if he met two conditions. She asked him if he was single and if he was catholic, the cabbie said yes to both questions. He pulled the cab over to the curb and the nun laid a kiss on him that was enough to curl his toenails! He started driving again and told the nun, "I have to confess, I'm not really single and I'm not really catholic". The nun responded, "That's ok, I'm not really a nun, my name is Steve and I'm on my way to a Halloween party". Moral of the story, be careful what you wish for!