Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and asks, “Is this whisky?”

Elmer replies, “Yeth but not as whisky as wobbing a bank.”

Ha Ha LoL, thats a good one

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see your registration for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's fridge.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Dublin, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and enjoyed them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them."
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
"Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad - I was here, and you could have."

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant...

"Did you smell that food?" She asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a generous kind hearted bloke, I thought "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"

So...we walked past it again.

𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the time to do it twice.

Don't corner something that is meaner than you.

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

Don't be banging your shin on a stool that's not in the way.

Borrowing trouble from the future doesn't deplete the supply.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Silence is sometimes the best answer.

Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

I'll add one My Grandfather told me many times "Your wants are many, your needs are few"

My Grandma, On why some people do what they do.
"Some people ain't got the sense that God gave to a jackass."

That reminds me of a joke. This gal is sitting at a bar crying in her beer. A guy walks over and asks her what's the matter. She told him her partner had just left her because she's too kinky. He told her that was an amazing coincidence, as his partner had just left him for being too kinky. One thing leads to another and they end up back at her place. She tells him to wait while she changes into something more comfortable. A few minutes later she comes out in full dominatrix regalia. The guy, however, is headed out the door. She asks where he's going, as she was just ready to start the party. He told her he had just screwed her dog and taken a dump in her purse, and that his evening was complete.

sorry about that just too funny
hank

So an 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a biker and that's why I'm in such good shape, I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, wildest mountains I can find at the crack of dawn."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old biker said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old biker said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive, he's a biker too.”
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?
The old biker said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old biker replied, "He's 117 years old”
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married”
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Good Lord! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"

To this the old biker smiled and answered, "Who said he wanted to?"

The Japanese Banks are in trouble...

The Origami bank has folded.
The Sumo bank has gone belly up.
The Bonsai bank has cut back some of its branches.
The Karaoke bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Meanwhile, shares in the Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped...

Farmer Fred lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day farmer Fred called the sheriff's office and said "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
The next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer Fred called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer Fred called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let Farmer Fred do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer Fred. Three weeks later, curiosity got the better of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Fred a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that we could use to slow down drivers...
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Fred's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was roughly brush painted on a sheet of plywood:

NUDIST COLONY. GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

We all know these people.....