Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Saw this recently......
The late Bobby Bowden, Florida State football coach, told this speed trap story.
He was driving through Gainesville on an elevated section of the interstate.
He knew there was a speeding camera located on the upper floors of an adjacent building.
He slowed down ahead of time but noticed the camera flashed anyway.
Knowing he wasn't speeding he looped back and passed 5 MPH slower, the camera flashed again.
He again took the exit and looped back 10 MPH slower, the camera flashed again.
Very upset, he gave up and went home.
The next week he received three citations from the Gainesville Police Dept.......
For driving without a seatbelt.

Life was better in the seventies when I was in my twenties than it is now in the twenties and I'm in my seventies.

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he
Accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be ‘avin’ Da fingers and I'll see what Oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got Da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven’t got Da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, its 2009!
We be havin microsurgery and all kinda incredible Techniques.
Oi could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn’t ya bring Da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said,
‘How Da f*ck was I 'spose to pick ‘em up????

VERY INTERESTING FACTS.

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Where do they go?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Originally Posted by johnboy

VERY INTERESTING FACTS.

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It really has been a long winter over there hasn't it!?!?! There's just no words!

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a U.S. Congressman", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

That's a good one Glenn.. and in a little while we head to the polls! How appropriate.

What is it that Charlie says in his Signature Line? Ya' Just Can't Fix Stupid!!

To cheer me up after surgery my doctor told me a joke.

I was in stitches.
.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.


On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

An oldie but a goodie! Always funny that one. Thanks Tow'd

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,

telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place
for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you
meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..
Wait for it
... ....
It's coming
..... ....
She said ... ...:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

My neighbour sunbathes topless. and my missus disapproves.

But I'm on the fence over this one.

Went out this morning and shot a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. All the people in the frozen food section of the grocery store were in shock!