Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by johnboy

I applied to emigrate to Australia and they asked me if I had a criminal record.
I said I didn't realise you still needed one.

HAHAHAHA That is a good one! Even Chris laughed.

My neighbor's wife asked him if she could have some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So, he took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

He said that his wife's cooking was "Another burnt offering."

The Thrifty Mechanic....
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I recently stumbled on to some funnies from a liars club......
It was so cold in Minnesota one time that a woman put a pot of boiling water on the porch and it froze so fast it was still hot to the touch.......
A man in Iowa was plowing his corn field and it was so hot the corn started popping. The mule thought it was snowing and he froze to death.....

More...
The swamp rabbits down here are so fast that we use high powered rifles to hunt them instead of shotguns. Even then you can't hit one unless you know the trick. To kill them on the run you have to aim fast, shoot and let out a whistle. The whistle makes them stop so the bullet has time to catch up to them......
In 1930 the liars club judges met at the Police station to decide the yearly winner. They asked the Police Chief why he never participated in the liars club. He said, what, me, I've never told a lie in my life. The judges then voted unanimously to award him the best of the year medal....

In a recent study it was found that women who put on a few pounds live ten years longer than men who tell them about it.

^^^ I'm going to keep my mouth shut

I have no idea what you're talking about! 8-)

I'm with Hank.

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So, I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking, but our church membership hasn't affected my brothers."

The Southern Baptists around here would send you to hell for that one.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor,

"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

My uncle worked for TWA at Love Field in Ft Worth forever, and one visit he sent me home with two inner tubes from main landing gear tires that he had patched, but they couldn't be used on a plane. I carried one down to the gas station and asked if we could air it up and emptied their air tank three times! It was about 5' tall and puffed up to 16 or 18" - a great trampoline if you spread your feet and stayed straight! Then I discovered that I could stand it up, sit in the hole and curl up, barely fitting. Lean back a bit, pull forward with my feet and tuck them up to roll down the hill!! Learned not to try too big of a hill with no way to steer or stop, so plan what you want to hit and hope for the best!!

I was about 9. It was a GOODYEAR......

I did much the same thing and around the same age, using a rear inner tube from a Cast Iron Kate Fordson tractor, rolling down the stopbank next to the river.
I did it once.
Mum asked me what happened.

I told her I fell off my bike.

babe on beack.jpg
thanks for that dear