Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

An oldy but a goody...

Originally Posted by johnboy

An oldy but a goody...

The joke or me?

A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.
The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars. The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed. The owner announced: "We have a winner!!!".
After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room. The man tells his wife: "I did not jump in myself ... Someone pushed me !!!"
His wife smiled and said coldly: "It was me!"
Moral of the story: "Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push

Don't you hate it when you offer a sincere compliment to someone on their moustache, and suddenly....
-
She's not your friend anymore!!

A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you're having relations?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did he look?"
"Oh boy, he looked angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face 'once' during lovemaking.
That seems somewhat unusual.
How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was watching us through the window."

My wife wanted a new bed, but I bought a trampoline instead.

She went through the roof.

talking loud on cell phone

cell phone loudd.jpg

difference
smell.jpg

eating candy
eatinng candy.jpg

I'm going out with a girl who drives the truck that picks up the rubbish bins.

Trouble is I can't remember if I take her out Tuesdays or Fridays.

Two Vampires got married; but it didn't work out.

They were always at each other's throats.

I got a job sketching suspects for the police.

I'm now a con artist.

Three young women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, were shipwrecked in a storm on an island in the south Pacific, far from any inhabited lands. They had salvaged what they could from their boat, and had worked together to eek out a life on the tropical island. One day they were walking on the beach and saw an old brass lamp. Pulling it out of the wet sand the brunette brushed the sand away and started rubbing the lamp. Sure enough, with a big puff of colorful smoke a Genie popped out. He surveyed the situation and said, "Since I can only grant three wishes, it's only fair that you each get one wish. Choose carefully, because you only have one wish each!"
Since the brunette had loosed the Genie from the bottle she went first. "I've been stuck on this island for years, and while we have managed to survive quite well I miss my husband terribly, and all of my family. I would like to go home to my husband." POOF, with a trail of smoke she was gone, back to her loving husband and family.
The redhead quickly said, "I too have been stuck here for years, and I also really miss my family, nd especially my husband and his loving arms. I would like to go to my home." As before, POOF with a trail of smoke the redhead was gone!
The Genie turned to the blonde, and found she had tears rolling down her cheeks, and a forlorn look on her face. "My dear, whatever is the matter?", the Genie asked. "I've been here a long time, too, but I really, really wish my two friends were still here." POOF!!!

I stayed in a hotel recently and in the drawer by the bed there was a Bible.
I opened it up and written on the first page was a note that said: "Do you have a drinking problem? If you do call this number..."
So I rang the number.

It was the local liquor store...