Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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You know what LT? I bet if we met in person we'd get along famously. How bout a beer?

we probably would, the beer sounds good, I need a rest from the fight. I'LL BUY!

I thought you might agree. Since you're a vet I figured you were a man of honor. Well so am I. Truce. We need to stay focused on our real enemy (Osama and company) not each other. I just have to say this though. I have found your automotive expertise to be exquisite. Its the other stuff that we seem to get perpindicular on.

I have found your automotive expertise to be exquisite.



I wouldn't go as far as to say that, but there is no one on this board that has worked at it no harder than I have, where the insecurity came from I don't know, the old man kicking my butt twice a day I guess.

A "fine wine", I like that.

Subject: Selling
A young kid from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell him?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I
sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and=
he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pickup.

I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after
he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go
fishing."
7yt

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. Fearing the worst, and with trembling hands, she opens it.

Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found a real passion, and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
But it is not only that mum, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed says that we will be very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's also one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt any-one and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who will be providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry mum, I'm 15 years old now, and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Jenny.






P.S. Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my School Report Card that's in my desk drawer.
Jenny.


johnboy

that is the best way to show a bad report card to your parents i have ever seen.

After 12 children an Irish couple decided enough was enough, so the husband went to the Doctor to find out what their options were.
"Well, you could have a vasectomy," said the Doc., "that would fix the problem, but it's very expensive."
When the Irishman pleaded poverty, the Doctor continued: "There is a cheaper alternative, go home, get the largest firecracker you can find, put it in a beer can, light it, hold it up next to your ear, and count to ten."
"C'mon, said the patient,"I mayn't be the brightest crayon in the box, but I can't see how a firecracker in a beer can will help me!"
"Trust me," said the Doc., "it will do the job."
So the man went home, put a cracker in a beer can, lit it, held it up to his ear, and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5,......." at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so as to continue counting on the other hand.

This option can also be applied in Auckland, Australia, and Washington.

johnboy

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

A beautiful, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy.
>
> She walked right up to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eyes and
> said, "Sir, I would like to buy some cyanide."
> The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
> you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
> They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
> Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed
> with the pharmacist's wife.
> The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different.... You didn't tell me you had a prescription!!"

Keep it short please, Cause at a business luncheon a bicycle salesman stood and said, "I won't bore you with a lot of details because it is well known in our trade that the longer the spoke, the bigger the tire......"
_________________________
Can't beat 'em? Join 'em.

Originally posted by john gemmer
O kay before I get in to trouble for hijacking the post here another joke A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Crown Royal and women with big boobs

A little boy was running frantically up and down the aisles in a superstore, yelling "Marian, Marian". Finally reunited with his mother she told him "you aren't supposed to call me Marian, I am your mother." The kid replied "yes Mom but there are lots of mothers in here."
__________________________
Can't beat 'em? Join 'em.

Originally posted by Oldf100fordman


Teaching Math In 2005

************************
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta
de production es

ochenta dolares con ganancia de vente dollares.
no me gusta eso.
_______________________
Can't beat 'em? Join 'em.

A young man arrived at his date's house, knocked on the door and was invited in by her father.

"Have a seat." The father said as he pointed to a chair in the family room. "And don't mind the dog, his name is Duke and he won't bite." He continued as he pointed at a dog lying next to the chair.

"Jenny will be down in a few minutes." The father said as he sat down opposite the young man.

They started with the usual question and answer session that accompanies most first dates, when the young man suddenly felt his insides beginning to growl. This could mean only one thing, he needed to pass gass in worst way.

Not thinking to ask to use the bathroom, the young man began to panic as the pressure continued to build and he conitnued to answer the father's questions.

Then he had an idea, "if I just let a little bit out, the pressure will go down and perhaps it wouldn't smell to bad...." he thought to himself.

So, he slowly and silently allowed a little bit of the pressure to release. It instantly became apparent that his hopes of it not smelling to bad were dashed and he began to try to think of what he was going to do next.

Then, in the middle of the conversation the father suddenly looked at the dog and said, "DUKE!"

Suddenly the young man thought to himself, "Yeah, blame it on the dog..." as he silently released a little more pressure.

A few moments later the father looked down at the dog with a disgusted look and said, "DUKE!!"

This encouraged the young man to release it all and so he did, still with no sound.

Another moment or two passed when the father stopped in the middle of a question, glared at the dog and shouted: "DUKE!! DAMMIT, GET OVER HERE BEFORE HE $H!%$ ALL OVER YOU!!

Cheers,
Firechicken

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"OK Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the Co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, " Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved,

"I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

AW TOW'D That's too funny!!!!!