Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

Sex education in schools should be just listening to a baby cry for six straight hours at full volume while watching Peppa Pig on repeats.

THAT will ensure they won't have sex!

It's quite ironic that the colours red, white, and blue are associated with freedom, unless they're flashing at you in your rear view mirror.

Can't cure_______?
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Glenn's joke reminded me of my late friend who had a habit of snacking on his dog's Milk Bone dog biscuits. He died a horrible death while laying in the road licking his balls when a truck ran over him.

Expectations.....
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A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the
salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful,
leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply.
"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised
the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you
closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could
discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a
large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash
ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how
could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the
car keys to the old man...
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower
the price...."
"See you later, Dad, Happy Father's day."

sorry to post the same joke twice
fat fingers
Hank

It was good enough to be read twice

SNUFF! Do you remember what Snuff is?

Powdered tobacco, it's taken by putting two small pinches on the back of your hand and inhaling it up nostril, yes, like cocaine!

Well this old guy would always leave his small tin of snuff in the pub, never used it anywhere else. Well, these two village wags go some dry
dog shit and powderized it and mixed it with the snuff!

The old guy orders his pint of bitter and sniffed some snuff. He looks around, under the tables looking for a dog, then he looks under his shoes, "Can anyone smell dog shit?" he questions, silence. Other guy Bob says, "Actually I cant smell anything". "Here, try this", offering some snuff. Ok. Bob sniffed the snuff and exclaimed, that's much better! Now I can smell it!

My wife was going through her wardrobe and said: "Look at this, it still fits me after forty years."

I said "That's a scarf."

Just heard about California doing another crazy thing. Newsom has decided to combine the CHP with Fish and Game under the same roof. They are renaming them Fish and CHIPS. Ponch and John will host the ribbon cutting!

Not hotrod related but I'm sure other can relate. Sure glad I had the GI Bill and was able to pay as I attended college.

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?"

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey, a porno video, a camel and a goat ?"

"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.



"It could lead to dancing"

T

Most bald men still own a comb. They just can't part with it.����
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I'll show myself out now.