Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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OUCH! Groaning on the East Coast hee hee hee

Remember when the car overheated?
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Water Pump.jpg

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car…

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, "Look what you did to my car…!!! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son…,” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins, and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins..!?!?!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!”, the irate man yelled. “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….

"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. Not DOLPHINS!”

I've quit my job at the Cat Shelter.
I had no option as they reduced meowers.

With jokes like that one.. it's no wonder! HAHAHAHA......

My landlord told me he needs to talk to me about my heating bills.

I told him my door is always open.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

Guess what I bumped into on my way to get my new glasses!

Damned near everything!

We must all do what we can to do our bit and save our planet...

So I've just unplugged a row of electric cars that no-one was using.

I saw a billboard sign that said:

NEED HELP?, CALL JESUS
0-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

90% of all electric vehicles are still on the road, the other 10% made it home…

Whilst in Germany just after WWII my watch started playing silly games. Instead of going 'Tick-tock-tick-tock' it just went 'Tick-tick-tick-tick.'
So I took it to a German jeweller.
He said "Ve can fix dat," so he picked it up, shook it, looked at it with a stern face and said: "Ve haff vays to make you tock."

My dad's a clown, as was my grandad, and he asked me to carry on the tradition.

I said I'm not sure, they're pretty big shoes to fill.

Three Bears


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair... He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....













I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***** PORRIDGE YET'

I've been hanging out at the gym lately.

She Who Must Be Obeyed says I should wear longer trousers.