Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Got it now!

I spent $250 on a limousine and just found out the fee doesn't include the driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it!

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest?

Guilty.... Perhaps "Shade Tree Mechanic"?
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wrenches.jpg

And what's funniest in that picture.. they are doing it wrong! LOL

Originally Posted by 34_40

And what's funniest in that picture.. they are doing it wrong! LOL

You're right.

But I have to admit I've taken to a recalcitrant nut or bolt by using that method...

And taken a bit of bark off my knuckles or the back of my hand...

Originally Posted by 34_40

And what's funniest in that picture.. they are doing it wrong! LOL

You're right if he's tightening, but if he's loosening the nut he's golden! I've used the second wrench lever more for trying to break something loose than trying to crank it tighter. Just sayin'.....

I must've got tangled with Hank's (TOW"D) big fingers.

lady enters a fishmongers and asks for three cod fillets
"I'm sorry madam , we have sold out of cod "
"OH! " she says " Ah well three cod fillets then "
" sorry madam , we have no cod at all "
" Um, in that cae i will have three cod fillets " she says yet again
"listen love , spell plaice for me " says the monger
" p.l.a.i.c.e. " she says
" excellent , now can you spell salmon " he asks her
" s.a.l.m.o.n. " comes the reply .
" brilliant , now spell cod "
" C.O.D. " he hears from her sweet lips
"where's the F ?" asks the fishmonger looking at her quizzically
The lady looks surprised & informs the fishmonger " There is no F in cod "
" Finally " he says "NOW what would you like instead "

LOL I sometimes get a small bit of education from johnboy's & TOW'D's posts here. jb tosses in NZ slang terms that often have me wondering, and today it's "plaice" from TOW'D! My first reaction was "There's no 'I' in the word PLACE, like a noun is a person, place or thing. But then I Googled the spelling and learned that a plaice is a variety of flounder, a common european term! Fishmonger isn't in my day-to-day vocabulary, but I'm familiar enough with the term for a shop selling fish.
They say one should learn something every day, so today I've learned the name "plaice"!! Thanks, TOW'D!!

I got to know a lot of different fish species serving as a Foreign fishery Observer on a Korean fishing vessel, monitoring and reporting daily catch to NOAA, during fishing seasons that foreign boats were allowed to fish in US waters up in the Bering Sea in Alaska. this was in the late 1980's. Alaska really was and is the last frontier, trust me on this!


https://www.google.com/search?q=plai...hrome&ie=UTF-8

Two locals from a small town are critiquing their new neighbour.
"Is he a big fella?" asks one.
"Well of you're going to walk around him take a packed lunch."

I bought a teddy for $10, named him Mohammed then sold him on for $20.

Question is, did I make a prophet?

it is getting harder trying to keep up with johnboy

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.


I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ..."


Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f*cked.

I was dating a beautiful cross-eyed girl for the last twelve months.

We broke up 'cos she was seeing someone else.