Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Wife: "Honey did you find the shampoo?"

Husband: "Yes but it's for dry hair and I'd already put mine under the shower."

Originally Posted by johnboy

Wife: "Honey did you find the shampoo?"

Husband: "Yes but it's for dry hair and I'd already put mine under the shower."

I had a different problem. Shampoo in the shower, suds cascading over my body and I see on the label in bold text, "Builds Extra Body and Volume With Every Use!" No wonder I can't drop the extra weight!! I dumped the stuff down the drain and switched to DAWN Diswashing Soap that promises "Dissolves Fat Fast!" Problem solved!!

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80…
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
3. No one expects you to run – anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask: “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
11. You can’t remember who posted this list.
And remember – never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

A weasel walks into a bar and the barman says "Wow! I've never served a weasel before...what can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

The missus asked if She could have some peace and quiet while She cooked dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarms.

HAHAHA.. Love it!

My rule is that if I wasn't invited to someone else's wedding then they're not invited to mine.

Too bad if it upsets my parents.

Englishman Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

"So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."

"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Thames."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says ,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to
have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the ars*hole had a paper round!"

In my school days I always tried to bury my head in the sand.

Eventually he expelled me.

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

My car was making annoying squeaking noises.

They stopped once I ejected the Mariah Carey CD.

Originally Posted by johnboy

My car was making annoying squeaking noises.

They stopped once I ejected the Mariah Carey CD.

AHHH HA hA hA HAAAAA,,,, THAT is Funny!

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay in my job.
We haggled for a few minutes and then he gave me a 10% raise.
As I left his office he asked me: "By the way, which companies are after you?"

"The gas, electricity, and phone company."

Become a primary school's maths teacher and make the little things count.