Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

All these recollections remind me of my younger days and rights of passage.
My father taught us lots of things, how to drive the tractor, change spark plugs, milk cows and many chores.
He also taught us some fun things, one of which was swimming.
How he showed me was to take me to the middle of the lake in a boat and threw me in.
Learning to swim was easy, getting out of the sack was the tough part.

Two mafia men were out walking in the woods at night.
One turns to t'other and says, "It's really dark in here, I'm getting a bit scared."
"You're scared?" said the other gangster, "I've got to walk out of here alone!"

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.



The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,
as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"



The man replied, "That would be my wife."

I asked my mate if he could spell won ton backwards.
He said: "Not now.

A man goes skydiving for the first time.

After listening to the instructor for what seems like hours, he is ready to go.

Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.

After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute.

He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes.

Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up really fast.

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”

The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

Two people are in hospital after eating lasagne containing 100% horse meat.

They are said to be in a stable condition.

My wife and I decided we don't want children...We'll be telling them tonight at dinner.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

If I can't get white I'll drink red.

Circle Flies

An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."

A Happy Christmas to all of you!

In the immortal words of that great Christmas song "Release Moby Duck" it turns out I got it wrong as a kid and I was well over 50 before anyone corrected me!
Must confess I got some strange looks over the years though.


Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit family once a year and get out as quickly as you can.


I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note saying "Toys not included."

A woman asks her husband in an agitated way, "You're not going to work? Why aren't you going to work?"
he says "I don't feel like it. I'm going to lay in bed half the day then do whatever I want the rest of the day".
He is just about back to sleep and the phone rings.
He answers it. After a few seconds he says "How the hell would I know that? It's over 60 miles from here!"
He hangs up and his wife asks a bit nervously "Who was that?"
He says "Some idiot asking if the coast is clear".

Oldie but goodie........The elementary school teacher was holding up flash cards with the letters of the alphabet quizzing her students to give a word with that letter and spell it. In the class was the infamous "Little Johnny", yep, the one with the filthy mouth.
As she started, Little Johnny would jump and raise his hand, but she knew she couldn't call on him. He might say Ass for A or Bitch for B. She got all the way up to R without calling on Little Johnny. The other students got stumped on the letter R, but Little Johnny knew a word and jumped up and down with his hand up. Since she couldn't think of a single bad word that started with R she called on him. Little Johnny said, R as in rat, R A T, the teacher said very good Johnny, I'm proud of you.
He said, yeah that rat was proud of his pecker because it was about thissss longggg........

I knew that joke as ... when the teacher calls on Jonny he says "A rat, a big F_ _ _in' Rat!

Originally Posted by 34_40

I knew that joke as ... when the teacher calls on Jonny he says "A rat, a big F_ _ _in' Rat!

Yep, with a D___ about this long. But I had to re-write it PG13, so I wouldn't offend anyone. LOL

Originally Posted by JOATMON

Yep, with a D___ about this long. But I had to re-write it PG13, so I wouldn't offend anyone. LOL

No, it ended with the rat. I heard and told that joke back in high school.. 50 years ago.. LOL.