Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Technical computer terms for farmers.

Log on: when you want to make the house warmer.

Log off: Timberrrrrrr!

Mega Hertz: when you are not careful getting the firewood.

Lap top: where the cat sleeps.

Byte: what mosquitos do.

Modem: what I did to the hay fields.

Keyboard: where the keys hang.

Mouse: little critters that eat the grain in the shed.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman.
“Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle.
Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’”
Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”
The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’”
“Of course,” says the Pope.
“Do you have an eraser?”

RACECAR backwards is still RACECAR!
-
RACECAR upside down is EXPENSIVE!!

Originally Posted by rspears

RACECAR backwards is still RACECAR!
-
RACECAR upside down is EXPENSIVE!!

But swims is still the same upside down.

Originally Posted by johnboy

But swims is still the same upside down.

Upside down & backwards! Just upside down it's SMIWS!

Upside down RACECAR is EXPENSIVE no matter which way you turn it!!

As I've gotten older people think I've become lazier.
They're wrong.
The truth is I've just become more energy efficient.

A Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barber’s. They were both just getting to the end of their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"

The Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Ron replied,

"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

An ex-neighbour of mine, Bert Prescott, was a man who really loved tractors. He collected them, he drove them around town, he collected books on tractors, he went to tractor shows, he loved anything to do with tractors.
One day, at a tractor show, he got hit by a tractor and was severely injured. After months in the hospital and rehab, he finally got his life back on track, but now he hated tractors.
He sold every tractor he owned and vowed never to have anything to do with tractors ever again.
One day he was walking past a burning house with people trapped inside. There was so much smoke that the fire-fighters couldn't get in.
So Bert walked up to the house and with a huge breath, sucked all the smoke out, long enough for the fire-fighters to enter and save the people.
Afterwards, a fireman said to him "Bert, that was amazing! How did you do it?"

He replied, "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

I suppose it's about time I told this story...I've kept quiet about it for years...but now I think it can finally come out...it was a long time ago...


It all started when my sister and brother-in-law bought a ten acre block up Valley Road in Paraparaumu, and needed it fenced into smaller paddocks.
They got a quote from a local fencing contractor for $180 per chain, (a chain is a lineal measure; 1 chain = 66 ft.,) which they thought rather excessive, so asked me for my opinion.
Being young and dumb, and proud of my fencing skills, I offered to do it for them for nothing...and hey; that's what you do for family.
So She and I loaded my fencing gear into the car and headed for Paraparaumu expecting to knock the job out in a week or so.

Oh boy! Was I in for a surprise!

In my land I'd budget on 35 minutes for a strainer hole, another 35 mins. for stay and plate, and 5 mins. per post hole.
Whereas their land is all rotten rock...every hole had to be dug with a crowbar; if I got two strainer/stay assemblies in in a day I was doing well.
So the job took much longer than anticipated.
But my farm had to be run at the same time...so I sent She back home (with the car,) while I stayed on to fence the block up, sleeping in the wee shed on the property.
I soon found there were some things I really needed for creature comfort, so I started making a wee list for 'stuff' I needed to buy from down in the village.
1) Soup. Versatile stuff, and easy to prepare on the wee gas burner I'd brought with me.

2) A cauli. I really love my veges, and cauliflower is one of my favourites.

3) Fridge. Gotta have somewhere to keep my cauli...and my beer!

4) Elastic. The elastic band in one pair of my dacks had given out, and they were bunching around my crotch...most uncomfortable.

5) Eggs. They too are versatile...scramble them, fry them, poach them...all good.

6) Peas. Yep...love my veges.

7) Halitosis. Not expecting to be here long, I hadn't brought enough tooth-paste...and it's got pretty bad when you spit on the grass and it shrivels in a puff of smoke.

So I set off on the ten mile walk to town, intending to get a local courier to bring these things (and me,) back up to Valley Rd.
I was about half way there when I realised I'd left my list behind, so I started chanting it under my breath so that I wouldn't forget anything.
One of the locals, driving to town himself, saw me walking and stopped to give me a lift.
(He was English, or French, or Belgian, or some other sort of overstayer.)
"What's that you're saying?" he asked.
So I told him.
"Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."
"Hmm," he said. "I think I can do something with that. Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. Soup a cauli fridge elastic eggs peas halitosis!"

So now you know how it came about.
And I first put those words to paper.

The wife said to me the other night, "I don't remember when you last enjoyed sex"
"I'm not surprised" I said, "You weren't there .

A married couple are travelling down the highway at about 40 mph with the husband behind the wheel.
The wife looks over at him and says “Honey, I know we’ve been married for fifteen years; but I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 45 mph.
She then says “I don’t want you to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend and he’s a better lover than you are.”
Again the husband says nothing but speeds up a bit more as his anger continues to build.
She says “I want the house.”
Again the husband speeds up and is now doing 55 mph.
She says “And I want the kids too.”
The husband again says nothing but just drives a bit faster.
Now he’s doing 70 mph.
She says “And I want the car, and all our credit cards as well.”
The husband starts to slowly veer towards the abutment of a bridge overpass.
She says “You’re taking all this very well; isn’t there something you want?”
The husband says “No; I’ve got all I need.”
She says “Really? What’s that?
Her husband, just before they hit the bridge abutment at 80 mph says “The airbag.”

A bit of a long read, but our midwest members will relate. I'm still laughing!

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:

Moved to North Dakota this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!

December 8 - 6:00 PM - It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our coffee and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did our driveway and the sidewalk.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20°. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The stinking snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, took a leak and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's already booked solid through January. I think the bastard is lying.

December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0°. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his cobblers and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a wood chipper.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30° and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20°. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his John Brown backside. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 – Woke up in a strange place this morning. Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed???

Author Unknown

Sign in a counselor's office: 'Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.'