Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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My wife had her driver's test the other day.
She got 8 out of 10.

The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Did you hear about the guy who was charged with murdering a man with sandpaper?

He really intended to just rough him up a bit.

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger
comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the
fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell
who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in
my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in
the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

Then there was the apprentice who got caught drinking brake fluid. His boss told him to be careful or he may get addicted.

But he said he could brake the habit any time.

A man starts a new job and his wife welcomes him home that evening:

"Hello darling - how did it go?"

"Oh so so," the man replied, "they're a bit of a funny bunch..."

"How do you mean?" asked his puzzled wife

"Oh well" the man began, "the managing director has a sign behind his desk saying 'You Don't Have To Be Mad To Work Here, But It Helps!'"

"Oh silly" said his wife, relieved, "Loads of people have signs like those!"

"Yes, I suppose so," said her husband, "but his is hand written in his own excrement..."

In my experience you need only two tools in the workshop.
WD40 if it doesn't move and it should, and duct tape if it moves and it shouldn't.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados get six."
A short time later the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him "Why did you get six cartons of milk?"
He replied "They had avocados."

If you're a woman I'm sure you'll have to go back to read it again.
Men will understand it first time.

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Bubba and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

"Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bubba says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks are good at sensitive shit.

A man was called in for an audit by Inland Revenue.
He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper." The accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and expensive tie."
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him the conflicting advice and asked him what should he do.
"Let me tell you a story." Replied the minister.
"A woman about to be married asked her mother for advice on what to wear on her wedding night."
Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend to her to wear her hottest negligee with a V Neck right down to her navel."
The man protested. "But what does this have to do with my Inland Revenue audit?"

The Minister replied, "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed."

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," says the doctor.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What's happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!
" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his grown-up son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

So a guys walking down the road with a real long stick.

I stopped and asked him, “Are you a Pole Vaulter?”

He responded with “No, I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter?”

Just before the Summer holidays, our grandaughter did a disection and DNA test on a frog.

The results showed that the frog was:

87% British

12% French

and a Tad Pole.

Sister Rita was sitting by her convent window one evening as she opened a letter from home: inside the letter was a $50 note from her parents. Sister Rita smiled but as she continued to read the letter by what was left of the last glimmers of daylight coming through her window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamp post in the street below. Quickly she took a piece of paper and wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Rita". She then wrapped the $50 note in it and having got the man's attention, she tossed the wrapped note out of the window to him. The stranger picked it up and read what was on the paper. He looked up, tipped his hat and slowly made his way down the street and into the darkness. Meanwhile, Sister Rita returned to her letter hoping he would use the money wisely.

The following day, Sister Rita was told that there was a man at the main door of the convent insisting that he should see her so, she made her way down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about.

True enough, she found the stranger, who she had last seen standing in the street, waiting for her. Without a word, he handed her an envelope stuffed full with $50 notes.

"What's this?" she asked.

"It's your winnings Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at Eighty-to-One.

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"