Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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One Sunday, an elderly couple are in church when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I just let out a long silent fart, what should I do?”
The husband says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead man had a twin.

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “She’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and asks, “Is this whisky?”

Elmer replies, “Yeth but not as whisky as wobbing a bank.”

So an 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a biker and that's why I'm in such good shape”. “I'm unwell before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, wildest mountains I can find at the crack of dawn”.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?".
The old biker said, "Who said my dad's dead?".
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"...T he old biker said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive, he's a biker too”.
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it”. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?.
The old biker said, "Who said my grandpa' dead?".
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!”. “How old is he?". The old biker replied, "He's 117 years old”....
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?.
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married”.'
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!!”. “Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?".

To this the old biker smiled and answered, "Who said he wanted to?"

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom, " You know
what?" says the 7 year old, " I think its about time we started swearing".
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me,OK?" "OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.
"Oh shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flies across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs to his
bedroom crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 4 year old and asks in a stern voice, "And what do YOU
want for breakfast, young man?

"I dont know" he blubbers, " but it wont be f*****g Coco Pops thats for
sure.

Many of us remember “fondly” (not!) using the Outhouse. Oh, those were the “good old days!”

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this here outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Dang it... stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that thar hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what the heck to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this here outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don't it?!"

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said,
"Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Seems like this whole Covid19 thing with the extended periods of isolation has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "NO" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides!

Paddy wasn't feeling too flash, so he went to see the doctor. The doctor told him he couldn't diagnose his ailment properly, so told Paddy to get a specimen.
Paddy went home to Mary, and said "The doctor told me to get a specimen, what on earth is a specimen?"
Mary didn't ken either, so said to Paddy "Go and ask Father Mulcahy, he's well educated."
"But you know Father Mulcahy and I punch-up every time we meet, we've never got on together," said Paddy.
"Well," said Mary, "Just this time you be nice and polite to the man, we'll never find out otherwise."
So Paddy got dressed in his finest clothes and headed for the church.

An hour later he returned. One eye was swollen, his face was covered in blood, his best shirt was torn, and one ear was almost ripped off.
Mary took one look at him and yelled "I thought I told you to be nice to him!"
Said Paddy "It wasn't me! He started it! I went to him all polite and asked him 'What is a specimen,?' he laughed and said 'Go p*ss in a bottle!' so I said 'Go s**t in your hat!' and the fight was on!"

I was in the bar with a friend, and we had had a few. A couple of old drunks across the bar caught my attention, so I turned to my friend, and with a nod in the drunks' direction, told him "That's us in another 10 years."

He said "That's a mirror, idiot."

There's a fella going around attacking people with a knitting needle.

The Police say there's a pattern to it.

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven, and Hell, or life after death when you don’t know crap.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

An old joke
Your Yearly Dementia Test

(only 4 questions)




Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important
to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind, and begin.


#1. What do you put in a toaster?
















Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' just give up now, and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself!

If you said, bread, go to Question #2.



# 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?


















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is
already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate
literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water,' proceed to
Question #3.







# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a
pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!!!



But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.






# 4. Do not use a calculator for this:

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus, and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off, and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off, and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off, and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.


Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?




















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!!!




Don't you remember your own age?!? It was YOU, driving the bus!!!




If you pass this along to your friends, pray that they do better than you.

P.S.: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!!